HARREH POTTAH
by Grimly Dandy
Summary: Spoof time! Scriptform spoof based on the first book. rated T for swearing. EDIT: Sorry guys, this story is permanently on hiatus.
1. Three Deranged Wizards

**AN:** Okay, the reason for this was because the Intermediates in my 4-H club are doing film making this year and our first asignment was to make a 5-10 minute parody of our choice. This is the script for mine, a spoof of the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Philosepher's Stone. I would do the entire book, but considering it can only be up to 10 minutes...

Note that I love all Harry Potter characters (except for Wormtail Blegh!) and am not trying to criticize any of them. Remember, this is just a spoof.

Grimly Dandy

**Harry Potter and the Three Deranged Teachers**

Dumbledore walks into Private Drive in the middle of the night. He uses this deluminator to dim the street lamps and to light a cigarette. A near by cat comes up to him.

**CAT**: Meow.

**DUMBLEDORE**: I should've known you would be hear…Professor McGonagall.

Another cat comes along.

**CAT #2**: Merow.

**DUMBLEDORE**: Oh, I'm sorry, Minerva, I thought that other cat was –

Two more cats enter.

**DUMBLEDORE**: Uh…

More cats come.

**DUMBLEDORE**: WILL YOU JUST TURN INTO A HUMAN ALREADY!

The farthest cat turns into McGonagall in front of Dumbledore.

**DUMBLEDORE**: Thank you!

**MCGONAGALL**: Yeah, yeah. You know I missed a Halloween party for this.

**DUMBLEDORE**: That would explain the smell.

McGonagall stops to pull a flask out of her robes.

**DUMBLEDORE:**And your friends - ?

Dumbledore motions to all the other cats.

**MCGONAGALL:**My entourage. But moving on, Albus…Are the rumours really true?

**DUMBLEDORE:**Yes, Minnie –

**MCGONAGALL:**Minerva.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Whatever. Well the stories are true. The good and the bad. Orlando Bloom has hooked up with Jennifer Anistan and Britney has finally had her children taken away –

**MCGONAGALL: **I meant the _other _rumours, Albus.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Oh, you mean of Oprah's new diet. Well, it really isn't –

**MCGONAGALL:** The one about the Potters!

**DUMBLEDORE:**Oh…OH! Oh, the _Potters_! Yes, of course it's true, why else would everyone be out partying?

**MCGONAGALL:** Um…Because it's Halloween…

**DUMBLEDORE: **Oh. Well, either way, it's still true.

**MCGONAGALL:**And the boy?

**DUMBLEDORE:**It's a boy?

**MCGONAGALL:** …

**DUMBLEDORE:** Well, whatever it is, Hagrid is bringing it over right away.

**MCGONAGALL**:Albus, do you think it wise to trust Hagrid which such a thing like this?

**DUMBLEDORE:**I would trust Hagrid with my life, Miranda –

**MCGONAGALL**Minerva.

**DUMBLEDORE:**Whatever. Anyway, I would trust Hagrid with my life… –

The two are interrupted by a bell ringing. They look over in time to see Hagrid ride over to where they are on a little tricycle.

**HAGRID:**MAKE WAY! DIS THING 'AS NO BREAKS!

Dumbledore jumps out of the way in time to see Hagrid crash and burn into the nearest lamp post.

**MCGONAGALL:**You were saying?

**HAGRID:**'Ello, Gov'na. Wots the dilly – o?

**MCGONAGALL**…

**DUMBLEDORE:**Safe journey, Hagrid?

**HAGRID**Oh yeah. I 'ad a liddle truble a while ago with teh police but all 'n all –

**MCGONAGALL:**And the boy?

**HAGRID:**What boy?

**DUMBLEDORE:**Why Harry Bladder –

**MCGONAGALL:**Potter.

**DUMBLEDORE:**Whatever.

**MCGONAGALL:**Did you bring him, Hagrid?

**HAGRID:**It's a he?

**MCGONAGALL:**DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT BRING HARRY POTTER WITH YOU?!

**HAGRID:**Well naw, I can' see why I wud.

**MCGONAGALL:**Hagrid…

**HAGRID:**…Oh…OH! OH BLIMEY I'LL UH…I'LL BE RIGHT BACK I uh…just fergot me…socks.

Hagrid jumps back on his tricycle and peddles back the way he came.

_THREE HOURS LATER_

**DUMBLEDORE:**Cigarette, Minerva?

**MCGONAGALL:**I think you meant to say 'lemon sherbet'?

DUMBLEDORE:No, I meant, do you want a smoke or not?

Hagrid appears again and jumps off his tricycle, letting it fall on a nearby cat.

(Insert catch screech here)

**HAGRID:**I'm back and I 'ave teh baby – I mean…me socks.

**MCGONAGALL:**Dandy.

Hagrid reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a baby wrapped in a tea towel.

**HAGRID:**Catch!

He tosses the baby to the teachers in one swift motion. Not knowing what to do, the two teachers back out of the way and watch the sleeping baby drop to the ground with a thud.

**DUMBLEDORE:**Were we supposed to catch that?

**HAGRID:**Yeah.

**DUMBLEDORE:**Oh…sorry.

Dumbledore picks the baby up and faces Hagrid and McGonagall again.

**MCGONAGALL:**Where's his scar?

**DUMBLEDORE and HAGRID:**What scar?

**MCGONAGALL:**The one that Harry got from facing You Know Who.

**DUMBLEDORE:**No…We don't know who.

**MCGONAGALL:**He Who Must Not Be Named.

Dumbledore and Hagrid stare at McGonagall more.

**MCGONAGALL: **…Voldemort.

Hagrid screams and jumps behind Dumbledore.

**HAGRID:** DON'T SAY HIS NAME!

**MCGONAGALL:**WELL HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU WHO HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED AKA YOU KNOW WHO WAS?!!

Dumbledore ignores the two and lifts the tea towel Harry is in.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Here's the scar!

McGonagall and Hagrid stop their ranting and peer down at the baby.

**MCGONAGALL and HAGRID**: Oh…

**HAGRID:**Well, dat's gotta be embarassin'

**MCGONAGALL:**I'll say. Isn't there a way to make it a little less…perverting?

**DUMBLEDORE:**Anyone here have a sharpie?

Hagrid pulls a black sharpie out of his coat pocket. Dumbledore takes it and draws a duplicate of the scar on Harry's forehead.

**DUMBLEDORE:**There, now no one well ever by the wiser. Now let's get this over and done with.

**HAGRID:**Here, here!

The three link arms and skip to the front door in the background.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Oh, we're off the see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz –

**MCGONAGALL: **Not now, Albus.

They all stop in front of the door.

**MCGONAGALL:**Albus, are you sure about this? I know they are his only family, but we can't just leave him here.

**DUMBLEDORE:**But we must, Minerva. Homer's –

**MCGONAGALL:**Harry's.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Whatever. His life depends on it.

**MCGONAGALL:** You mean he can only be safe when he's with someone related to home in order to ward off You Know Who and at the same time build character for the future?

**DUMBLEDORE:** Well…My first reasons were because I like messin' with people and I don't wanna take care of the kid myself – but your idea works too!

Dumbledore slowly bends down to set Harry on the doorstep when the door suddenly opens to reveal a deranged woman with a bowl of candy.

**DERANGED WOMAN:**Oh, you're all just so _cute_! Here's some candy for you, and you, and you! Have a fun night, kids!

The door slams closed.

**DUMBLEDORE:**Okay…WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO KILL THE POTTERS ON HALLOWEEN!

**MCGONAGALL:** I got a pack of gum!

**DUMBLEDORE:** Really? I got a chocolate bar!

**HAGRID:**I got a rock.

Hagrid puts the rock in his mouth and starts chewing.

**MCGONAGALL:** Hey, Dumbledore, this isn't number four, Private Drive…This is number five!

**HAGRID:** Blimey! Let's get goin' den!

They all link arms and skip to the next house.

**DUMBLEDORE:**Oh, we're off to see the wiz –

**MCGONAGALL:** Shut it, Albus.

They all stop in front of the door.

**MCGONAGALL:** Okay, let's drop it and run before anyone sees us and gives is candy again.

**HAGRID:** …Okay…

Dumbledore drops the baby immediately. The camera zooms in closer to the baby as the teachers say their dramatic goodbyes.

**DUMBLEDORE:** Goodbye...Homer Bladder –

**MCGONAGALL: **Harry Potter

**DUMBLEDORE:** Whatever.

END SCENE.

**AN:** Review to tell me what you think. Remember that I didn't mean this to happen this way, I was just doing a 4-H project.


	2. Ten Years Later

**AN**: Guess who! That's right, I'm back and I'm doing the rest of the Philosepher stone too! Hope you guys are happy. Just to keep in mind, this is only to try and fix a writer's block I'm having for my other story.

**TEN YEARS LATER**

RANDOM READER: Wait, why is it ten years later? We want to know how the Dursleys reacted when finding Harry. What about when he was growing up? I wanna see baby Harry!

Oh do shut up. Everyone knows that a wizard's childhood goes by miraculously fast until they turn eleven

Harry is singing in his sleep.

HARRY: I'm Harry Potter, School is for losers, I'm totally awesome…

Aunt Petunia knocks on his dungeon - I mean cupboard door.

PETUNIA: Wake up! Today is Dudder's birthday and I need you to cook breakfast while I gorge my son with love. And wipe that marker stain off your forehead!

HARRY: Marker stain?? This is the legendary scar I got while facing some mysterious man that was mysteriously present on the night of my parent's mysterious murder death.

PETUNIA: Harry we already talked about this. Your parents died in a car crash and that scar you are talking about is on your –

HARRY: Silence, nonbeliever! Once the apocalypse (Or some other scary death involving event hint, hint) comes, you will pay…You will all pay as I will –

PETUNIA: Will leave us in our misery and face whatever evil and save the world blah, blah, blah. Now go make us all breakfast why not?

HARRY: Bitch.

Dudley starts barging down the stairs.

HARRY: Earthquake!!

Harry jumps back under the stairs

PETUNIA: Idiot.

DUDLEY: I'm gonna party like it's my birthday!

HARRY: It _is_ your birthday.

Harry receives a whack on the head with a rubber chicken.

Aunt Petunia throws her rubber chicken aside

PETUNIA: There's my little Dudley-Wudley! My little Didders! My chubby-wubby boy!

DUDLEY: Oh, mother do stop.

PETUNIA: Diddy-poo! My wittle Didders! Who's a good piggy-wiggy? _Who's a good piggy-wiggy?_

DUDLEY: No seriously, you're scaring the crap out of me.

PETUNIA: My Diddy-widdy_-poody-doody!_

DUDLEY: Someone help!

PETUNIA: Dudley-wudley-doody-doody-poody-didder-dummers-dilly-duddy –

Aunt Petunia receives a whack on the head with a rubber chicken.

Harry throws his rubber chicken aside

HARRY: Your welcome.

DUDLEY: …I want FOOD!! Runs to kitchen

HARRY: Sigh.

VERNON: Hello, Diddy-shitty.

PETUNIA: You mean Diddy-poo.

VERNON: Whatever. Where's my breakfast, Scary-Harry?

HARRY: One super deluxe greasy cardiac arrest breakfast coming up.

VERNON: No! I want a super deluxe greasy _heart attack_ breakfast. Good God, get it straight for once!

HARRY: Sigh.

Dudley meanwhile is running around the house looking for Mount Birthday Presents.

DUDLEY: Where's mah presents?

PETUNIA: Why, Dudders, didn't I tell you? Instead of buying a bunch of presents for you, we decided to buy a bunch of presents for charity.

Dudley just stands there with an open mouth

DUDLEY: But…But I…AH SAID WHERE'S MAH PRESENTS, WOMAN!!

VERNON: Jeez, Dudley. Take a joke for once!

He opens the door to show the mountains of presents crowding the back yard

VERNON: Happy?

DUDLEY: MAH PRESENTS!!

Dudley jumps into pile

VERNON: Now, boy, you know what the plan is today, don't you?

HARRY: Yep. Aunt Petunia will sneak into the air duct to disable the alarm while you, me, and Dudley suspend ourselves down from ceiling using wires. We get in, get the information, and disappear into the night –

VERNON: I was talking about when we get to the zoo!

HARRY: So was I.

VERNON: …

HARRY: Can my code name be Scar Head?

VERNON: Yes – I mean _No!_ When we get to the zoo, I don't want any funny business.

HARRY: But I love telling jokes.

VERNON: No! I meant no, you know…_funny_ business winks knowingly

HARRY: Uncle Vernon, are you flirting with me?

VERNON: What?

HARRY: No, it's okay, I always thought you to have your own unique charm and I can understand why you're using it on me.

VERNON: _What _charm?

HARRY: Although I should say, I always thought you would be more faithful to Aunt Petunia. I know she doesn't have the best looks but come on –

VERNON: Hey! I am _so_ faithful!

HARRY: Oh sure, and all those magazines in your sock drawer are all free trials.

VERNON: SINCE WHEN WERE YOU IN MY SOCK DRAWER??

HARRY: Now is that really important to the situation?

VERNON: Yes – I mean NO…Maybe later.

HARRY: Okay then…so what do you have in mind anyway?

VERNON: What?

HARRY: Well, I was presuming you were still holding your offer.

VERNON: WHAT OFFER??

Harry shakes his head and pulls away Uncle Vernon's coffee.

HARRY: Honestly, Uncle Vernon, stay off the caffeine. It's making your blood pressure rise by the minute. I won't always be available so make up your mind soon.

VERNON: Wha…But I…He just…

PETUNIA: DUDLEY THAT IS NOT THE PROPER WAY TO BE USING YOUR NEW BOWLING BALL!!

HARRY: I didn't even know he liked bowling…

PETUNIA: He doesn't.

VERNON: Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…

Dudley barges into the kitchen.

DUDLEY: Where's my Malibu Barbie doll? I clearly said I wanted a Malibu Barbie doll with the matching pink convertible and what do I get?

Dudley holds up a G.I. Joe doll and a Tonka truck

PETUNIA: Well, they are much more masculine than a pink sports car –

DUDLEY: WHERE'S MAH BARBEH DAWL, WOMAN??

A rubber chicken comes flying out of nowhere and hits Dudley in the head, knocking him over.

HARRY: Yo, This family is messed _up_!

Uncle Vernon puts away his rubber chicken gun No magic!

HARRY: Pardon?

VERNON: No magic! No funny business as in no magic!

HARRY: So you don't want any foreplay, eh?

VERNON: That's not what I meant!

HARRY: Well what do you want, Vernon? I am tired of guessing everything in this relationship.

VERNON: _No magic!!_

HARRY: Oh, you're saying there's no magic left.

VERNON: NO!

He faints

HARRY: Well my work here is done. Word of advice, Petunia: keep a good leash on Vernon. He's a lustrous loose cannon.

Harry skips out of the kitchen singing

HARRY: I'm Harry Potter, School is for losers, I'm totally awesome…

**AN**: I like throwing rubber chickens. WHO'S WITH ME?


	3. Back to Deranged

**AN: **Next chappy! I don't know how long this took but it was longer than it should have been, that's for sure. Sorry guys, but my final exams are in two weeks and you know what that's like '-- Well, here's chaptah three. Hopefully this came out better than chapter 2.

And for something totally different, I put up a poll on my profile for HARREH POTTAH so you guys can vote for what you would like to see in the story.

**Back to Deranged**

- Next Scene: The Dursleys and Harry Bladder –

**HARRY:** Potter.

- Whatever. They are driving to the zoo now so shut up and read on.

**DUDLEY: **I want my Malibu Barbie! Where's my jacket? I wanna see the monkeys! The monkeys! The monkeys!

- Dudley starts jumping up and down.

**DUDLEY: **The monkeys! The monkeys! The monkeys! The monkeys!

**HARRY: **-Cough-

**VERNON AND PETUNIA:** SHUT UP HARRY!

**HARRY: **This is so unfair.

**VERNON: **Nobody cares.

**DERANGED FAN GIRL: **I do!

**VERNON: **What the…how'd you get in here??

**DERANGED FAN GIRL: **What, can't a person pick a car lock without getting questioned these days?

**VERNON:** No.

**DERANGED FAN GIRL: **(Sadly) Oh…

- The car stops and Deranged Fan Girl walks out to get hit by a Greyhound Bus.

**HARRY: **Well that's disturbing. I thought Greyhound Buses were only in North America.

**VERNON AND PETUNIA: **SHUT UP HARRY!

**TEN MINUTES LATER AT THE ZOO…**

**HARRY:** It says here that this ugly thing is a wild boar.

- And Petunia looks over at Dudley whom is still shouting.

**DUDLEY:** The monkeys! The monkeys! The monkeys!

- She gives a girly shriek.

**PETUNIA:** IT'S OUT OF ITS CAGE!!

**DUDLEY: **The monkeys! The monkeys!

- Harry goes over to the next animal.

**HARRY:** And this must be the cage for the ape.

- Aunt Petunia looks over at Uncle Vernon.

**PETUNIA: **THE APE IS ON THE LOOSE!!

- She starts running around in circles.

**VERNON:** Oh, for the love of…Stay here, I'll be back in a moment.

**HARRY: **Ah, so you are _still_ faithful to dear Petunia eh, Vernon?

**VERNON: **What?

**HARRY:** No, it's okay. I understand you see…

- Harry gives a small sniff as the world's smallest violin starts to play.

**HARRY:** I should have known it would never last, Vernon. We were never that good together anyway, but still…

**VERNON: **Where is that music coming from?

**HARRY: **Alas, your true love awaits you. Go to her, Vernon. She needs you.

- Petunia is still running around screaming.

**HARRY:** But…perhaps one little kiss…Just to say goodbye…

**VERNON: **WHAT?!

**HARRY: **Just one kiss, Vernon. That's all I ask for! If you really are merciful you will –

**VERNON: **STOP THAT RACKET ALREADY!!

- Deranged Fan Girl stops playing the world's smallest violin abruptly.

**DERANGED FAN GIRL:** (Sadly) Sorry…

- She walks out of the zoo to be run over by a mob of The Killers' groupies.

**HARRY:** The _Killers_??

- Uncle Vernon starts chasing after Aunt Petunia.

**PETUNIA: **HELP! AN APE IS CHASING ME!!

**HARRY: **Who the hell are The Killers??

**DUDLEY:** The monkeys! The monkeys! The monkeys! The mon – Ooh! A snake!

- Dudley runs over to the snake's cage.

**SNAKE: **Zzzzz…

- Dudley bangs on the glass.

**DUDLEY: **Wake up, Snake!

**SNAKE: **Zzzzz…

**DUDLEY:** Get in mah belly!

**SNAKE:** Zzzzz…

**HARRY: **I think it's dead.

**SNAKE: **Eh?

- The snake finally opens his eyes and lifts his head to Harry.

**HARRY: **Why, hello! I'm a depressed, poorly fed orphan that is soon to be a remarkable hero for the future.

- The snake stares.

**HARRY: **Oh. My. God. Can you hear me?

**SNAKE: **What did you say?

**HARRY: **Ohmygod this has never happened to me before! Do you know how long it's been since someone has actually decided to listen to me?

**SNAKE: **Who the hell are you?

**HARRY:** I know! It's like every person going by is an ignorant idiot that doesn't even know I will be a glorious saviour to this world. It is so remarkable how oblivious people are to their surroundings.

**DUDLEY: **IT MOVES!!

- Dudley shoves Harry out of his way to see the snake better. Harry, being the poorly fed orphan that he is, squeaks and falls to the floor.

**DUDLEY: **Weak much?

**HARRY: **Shut up. Soon I shall be a saviour of the world that will conquer all evil and marry a fair red haired maiden and –

**DUDLEY: **And you'll look like your parents and have three messy haired kids and everyone will look up to you for the rest of their lives blah, blah, blah.

**HARRY: **Bitch.

- Dudley leans closer to the glass just as Harry speaks and soon enough, the glass vanishes, having Dudley fall in with the snake.

**DUDLEY: **Oh, f- - -

**SNAKE: **I am suddenly hungry.

- The snake seeing a window (pardon the pun) of opportunity, begins to slither out of his cage and…wait, what are you doing? No, Snakey! Back away from Dudley! I said _back away from Dudley!_ No! – Smacks Snakey with keyboard – He is not a toy!...He is not food either! – Smack – Dudley is not food! DUDLEY IS NOT FOOD! – Smack – BAD, SNAKEY, BAD!! – SMACK, SMACK, SMACKSMACKSMACKSMACKSMACK –

…Now, the snake, seeing a window of opportunity (Again, the pun) slithers out of his cage and through the zoo.

**SNAKE: **Free! Ha, ha, ha…FREE! I am one of many! There will now be a revolution! LONG LIVE VIPERS! _VIVA LA COBRAS!!_

- Harry waved goodbye to the snake –

**SNAKE: **WE SHALL FORM AN ARMY!

- …Again, Harry waved to the snake –

**SNAKE: **YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF US!

-…Harry waved –

**SNAKE: **WE ARE ONE OF MANY!

- Har –

**SNAKE: **MANY I TELL YOU!!

– Picks up Snake and throws across the fence –

- Harry waved goodbye to the snake, not caring that Dudley was still trapped in the snake's cage.

**DUDLEY: **I'm _what?_

- Dudley taps on the glass.

**DUDLEY: **OMG I'm trapped! Help! Help I'm trapped! I'm – Hey, snake food!

- Uncle Vernon appears again, dragging behind him Aunt Petunia tied up in a straight jacket.

**HARRY: **Gone old fashioned eh, Vernon?

**VERNON: **Please…just…shut up.

**PETUNIA: **(In deranged singing voice) Snape…Snape…Severus Snape – DUMBLEDORE!

- Aunt Petunia then spots her darling Dudley eating snake food.

**PETUNIA: **DUDLEY!!

- She rips through her straight jacket.

**PETUNIA: **My dear, Dudley! Don't worry, Mommy will get you out! _Don't panic!_

**DUDLEY: **Who's panicking? This is great!

- Dudley pulls out his sun glasses and those tin foil sheet things used for tanning. You know what I mean?

**HARRY: **So Dudley actually likes being stuck in a cage where people can gawk at him? So that means I have nothing to do with it?

**VERNON: **The hell it does!

**HARRY: **Damn.

Cookies for whoever reviews. Don't worry, their not poisoned...I think...


	4. Damn those Letters

**AN: **Well, summer has officially begun for me. Exams were hell. Not because I barley knew anything, but because I had the song "I Kissed a Girl" stuck in my head for the last two exams and the chorus just keeps playing over and over and over until I screamed bloody murder. But I'm sane now. Uncle Vernon is not.

- They are back at the house now.

**PETUNIA: **Don't worry, Dudders! Mommy's right beside you, don't panic! You are okay!

- Dudley shoves Aunt Petunia away.

**DUDLEY: **Back off, woman! Ya in mah space bubble!

- Uncle Vernon turns to Harry.

**VERNON: **What happened?

**HARRY: **Well if you must ask, Vernon, I believe Dudley is going through that stage where a boy must become a man in which case –

**VERNON: **No! I mean with the _snake!_

**HARRY: **...Again: Dudley is going through that stage where –

**VERNON: **HOW DID YOU MAKE THE GLASS DISAPPEAR, BOY!?

**HARRY: **How should I know? In the beginning I was like, pissed, you know and then when I blinked, it was like, _wow_ and the glass disappeared and Dudley was like, oh f--! and fell in and he was like, ttly pwned while I was like, wtf but then I realized what happened and then it was all, lol SWEET while the snake was like L8er and then the glass was like, back again and soon we were all like, OMG WTF LOL FTW OMG WTH LMAO OMG UR TTLY PWNED CYA L8ER DUDE!!11111 – Harry has just signed out.

**VERNON: **...

**HARRY: **Translating, it was like _magic._

- Vernon shoves Harry under the stairs and takes a deep breath.

**VERNON: **THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC!

- He slams the door shut.

**HARRY: **Well what about the magicians? You can't tell me that's not magic…right?

- Harry curls up into a little ball as his voice becomes two octaves higher.

**HARRY: **Right?

**Since no one feels like answering Harry, I'm just gonna skip a few days ahead. **

- Everyone is in the kitchen eating breakfast (or in Harry's case, making it) while Dudley is checking out his new threads for school.

**DUDLEY: **I am pimpin' now, yo!

**HARRY: **You look like a munchkin in that uniform.

**DUDLEY: **Man, you're just jealous you don't have threads like these.

**HARRY: **Yes…Yes I am _totally _jealous of your itsy adorable hat with matching shorts and knee high socks. (SARCASM ALERT)

**VERNON: **Boy, bring me my coffee,

- Harry makes for the coffee pot.

**VERNON: **I meant, Dudley.

**HARRY: **But you said boy –

**VERNON: **Shut up! Bring me my coffee, Boy.

- Dudley passes the coffee.

**VERNON: **Thank you. Girly, get the mail…That's _you_.

- He points at Harry.

**HARRY: **I despise you…

- Harry leaves to get the mail.

**PETUNIA: **Do you think we're too hard on him?

**VERNON: **Who?

**PETUNIA: **Harry. He has gone through a lot. Maybe we're not treating him right –

**HARRY: **YO, VERNON! WANT ME TO PUT THIS MONTH'S PLAYBOY ISSUE IN YOUR SOCK DRAWER?

**VERNON: **No, I think we're treating him with just the right amount of respect.

**HARRY: **Let's see what else we have in the mail…

- Harry leafs through the mail.

**HARRY: **Aunt Petunia has another postcard from her secret lover, Julio…Dudley has a notice from the police saying he crashed into another buffet…Who the hell is Hog Warts?

**RANDOM FAN GIRL: **That's a school you idiot!

**HARRY: **What the…Didn't you get hit by a bus and a mob of groupies already?

**RANDOM FAN GIRL: **I'm out of the hospital now.

- The neighbour's cat comes over and starts attacking Random Fan Girl's leg.

**RANDOM FAN GIRL: **Stupid cat!

- Lightning strikes a near by tree and has it fall on top of Random Fan Girl.

**RANDOM FAN GIRL: **Stupid lightning!

- Harry closes the door on her arm.

**HARRY: **Hogwarts, eh? Sounds interesting…

**VERNON: **What's with all that screaming?

**HARRY: **Must be a howler I left outside.

**DUDLEY: **What'sa howler?

**HARRY: **Who knows? (Goes into a series of insane cliche laughter)

**DUDLEY: **Yo, you are messed _up_!

- Random Fan Girl is still screaming outside.

**DUDLEY: **Hey, Harry got mail! Who's Hog Warts?

**HARRY: **My point exactly! Who is he?

**VERNON: **NOBODY!!

- Uncle Vernon grabs the letter and stuffs it in his mouth.

**HARRY: **Ten dollars says that it isn't gonna be easy passing that wad of paper.

**PETUNIA: **We're in England, Kid! Use pounds, not dollars!

- Aunt Petunia whacks Harry with a rubber chicken.

**HARRY: **So, what was with that letter anyway?

- Nobody answers.

**HARRY: **Someone answer me.

**VERNON: - **Belch.

**HARRY: **Writer Lady?

- What?

**HARRY: **Why was that letter sent to me?

- How should I know? It's not like that letter has any special significant like oh say, introducing some _magical_ world where you and your scar are the saviours of this _magical _people and you have to go and kill some _magical_ evil snake-man.

**HARRY: **Are you sure?

- Or maybe it was a letter replying to your tryout video for _The Bachelore_.

**HARRY: **Maybe they want me to be in the next season!

- Sure they do.

**And the fun begins…**

**DUDLEY: **Oh my Gawd! There's a bunch o' owls outside!

**VERNON: **Nothing unusual about that. Nope.

- Aunt Petunia lifts her tea bag out of her cup.

**PETUNIA: **My tea bag is a little letter from Hogwarts!

**VERNON: **Nothing odd about that. Explains the bitter taste, though.

- Harry runs into the room.

**HARRY: **I keep getting e-mails from Hog Warts!

**VERNON: **That's not interesting at all. Since when did you have an e-mail address?

**HARRY: **Oh my Gawd! My soup is making words!

**SOUP: **Come to Hogwarts, Harry…

**VERNON: **Don't look at it!

- Eats Harry's soup

**DUDLEY: **My soup is telling me something too!

**SOUP: **Waffles! Lots n' lots of waffles! With syrup n' pudding n' all sorts of goodies!

**VERNON: **Okay, _that_ is weird.

**PETUNIA: **WHO WANTS CAKE?!

- Petunia drops a frosting covered cake on the table.

**DUDLEY: **AI WANT CAKE!!

- Dudley starts eating the cake.

**HARRY: **What's with the filling? Oh my Gawd! It's made of letters from Hog Warts!

**DUDLEY: **(Through mouthful of food) It's called, _Hogwarts!_

**VERNON: **I FORBID THAT WORD TO BE SAID IN MY HOUSE ANYMORE!

- Vernon starts to read newspaper.

**NEWSPAPER: **_Calling out to Vernon Dursley: Your house is about to be bombarded with letters from HOGWARTS. _

**VERNON: **WHAT?

- The letter bombarding begins.

- Petunia pulls an umbrella over her head.

**DUDLEY: **MAH EYES! THE LETTAHS GAVE MAH EYES PAPEH CUTS!!

**HARRY: **Lol, sucker. I got glasses to protect me –

- A letter flies by and gives Harry's tongue a paper cut.

**HARRY: **Mother f--!

- Vernon slowly rises from his seat.

**VERNON: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUU – (Another letter flies by and cuts his nose) – UUUUUUUUAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEE!!

**PETUNIA: **You're all idiots.

**AN: **And that's the whole truth. Thanks to the people who have but their 2p's into the poll on my profile.

What would you like to see in HARREH POTTAH?

a) Hagrid hijacking Marry Poppin's umbrella

b) The snake from the zoo coming back as Snape

c) Voldy's face being covered in facial cream when Quirrel takes off his turban

d) Harry finding a sexual referance in everything Hermione says

Every vote counts, guys!


	5. Wizards Don't Live in Dumpsters

**AN:** This...was rather fun to write. It came quickly but ai feel confident about it. Reviews are welcome. So is money but I doubt I'll get any of that.

**Wizards Don't Live in Dumpsters**

**PETUNIA: **There's no escaping the letters!

**HARRY: **Mine! All mine! Muahahahahahahahahah –

- Harry gets hit in the head with some letters, knocking him unconscious.

**VERNON: **That's it! We're taking refuge in the Playboy Mansion!

**PETUNIA: **The what?

**VERNON: **I said, THE PLAYBOY MANSION!

**DUDLEY: **Dude, what is it with you and dose ladehs?

- Harry pops up suddenly.

**HARRY: **Yeah.

**PETUNIA: **Why the hell would we bring two little boys into the Playboy Mansion?

**VERNON: **Well, do you want to be safe from the letters or not?

**PETUNIA: **Oh fine. But Vernon, if you suggest anything about me and one of those girl –

**HARRY: **What the hell, Petunia!

**PETUNIA: **What?

**HARRY: **This is only rated T! You can't say stuff like that!

**VERNON: **I guess we just have to go to plan B.

**DUDLEY: **What's plan B?

**VERNON: **Oh, you'll see…You'll all see…

- Rubs hands together evilly.

_**THREE HOURS LATER…**_

- Still rubbing hands together evilly

**DUDLEY: **…So are ya gonna tell us what plan B is or what?

**VERNON: **Oh I won't just tell you…I'll bring you to it….

- Rubs hands evilly while cackling.

**DUDLEY: **So when are ya gonna show us?

**VERNON: **Soon, my pet…soon…-

**HARRY: **JUST TELL US ALREADY!

**VERNON: **In time, children…In ti–

- Vernon gets whacked in the head with a rubber chicken.

**PETUNIA: **Now is the time!

_**ANOTHER THREE HOURS LATER…**_

**PETUNIA: **Have you noticed how three hours can go be really quickly?

**HARRY: **Yeah. Just in time to bring us to this DUMP!

**DUDLEY: **It smells like rottin' fish in here…Yo.

**VERNON: **You're sitting on seafood stir fry.

**HARRY: **Yeah, because of YOUR "GENIUS PLAN B"! Jerk.

**PETUNIA: **Now that's not nice. The correct term is fat idiot.

**VERNON: **You hurt my feelings! I honestly feel pained.

**DUDLEY: **Ya sitting on chopsticks. That's why yah feel pain.

- In case you haven't guessed yet, they're not in a shack somewhere in the middle of an ocean, but in a little dumpster behind a Vietnamese restaurant.

**VERNON: **This is majorly depressing.

**PETUNIA: **I feel emo.

**HARRY: **At least emo people didn't have to LIVE IN DUMPSTERS! Fat idiot.

**VERNON: **Will you just shut up already?!

**HARRY: **Never!

- Harry pulls out a green light saber.

**VERNON: **What the deuce?

**HARRY: **I challenge you to the death, Fatty!

**DUDLEY: **Oooh…pretty light (Reaches out towards light saber only to get burnt) AAAHH!

**HARRY: **Pull out your weapon!

- The lid of the dumpster opens and someone dumps a pail of old leftovers on Harry's head.

**VERNON: **Dinner is served! Dig in everyone.

**DUDLEY: **You're joking, right? Why would we eat off of Harry's head – IS THAT CHICKEN SAUTÉ?

- Dudley starts eating off of Harry's head. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia join in as well.

**HARRY: **Well…Happy birthday to me.

**HAGRID: **Did someone say 'Happy birthday'?

- Harry opens the dumpster lid to see a giant five layered cake just outside.

**DUDLEY: **CAKE!

- Dudley runs toward the cake.

**CAKE: **Back off, Fatty!

- Dudley screams and runs back into the dumpster.

**PETUNIA: **Coward.

- Suddenly, the top of the cake pops off and Hagrid jumps out of the cake wearing nothing but a coconut shell braw and a neon coloured speedo.

**HAGRID: **HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HARRY!

- Dudley throws up.

**VERNON: **For goodness sakes, put some clothes on!

**PETUNIA: **My eyes! My eyes!

**HAGRID: **What? I'm dressed perfect for Harry's birthday party.

**HARRY:** – Twitch – Twitch –

**HAGRID: **HARRY!

- Hagrid lifts his arms in greetings.

**HARRY: **OH MY GAWD – PUT DOWN YOUR ARMS!!

**HAGRID: **Yeh don't remember me, do yeh?

**HARRY: **Are you even listening? PUT DOWN YOUR ARMS! YOU WREAK!!

**PETUNIA: **My nose! My nose!

- Hagrid finally puts down his arms. Aunt Petunia pulls out a giant can of air freshener and starts spraying.

**HAGRID: **Harry, yeh've grown so much.

**HARRY: **Who. Are. You?

**HAGRID: **I'm George Clooney!

**HARRY: **OMG I love you! I've seen all your movies! 3

- Harry hugs Hagrid.

**HAGRID: **Eh…I was kidding.

- Harry let's go of Hagrid.

**HARRY: **Oh…then who are you?

**HAGRID: **Rubeus Hagrid.

- Harry pauses for a moment. Then bursts into laughter.

**HARRY: **Really…What is your real name? Hahaha – Rubeus! That's a good one – HAHAHAHA!

**HAGRID: **I'm serious.

- Harry suddenly stops laughing.

**HARRY: **Oh…well then…

- Crickets.

**HAGRID: **Ye've really become a jerk over the years, yeh know?

**HARRY: **No, I don't know.

**HAGRID: **…

**HARRY: **So…

**VERNON: **Want some noodles, Hagrid?

**DUDLEY: **MAH NOODLES!

- Eats noodles.

**HAGRID: **Harry?

**HARRY: **Mm?

**HAGRID: **What would yeh say if I told yeh you were a wizard?

**HARRY: **I'd say, BRING IT ON BITCH!

- Pulls out light saber.

**HAGRID: **Seriously.

- Harry puts away his light saber.

**HARRY: **I dunno. I might believe you.

**HAGRID: **Okay then. Speaking of which, Harry…

- Mystical music starts playing.

**HAGRID: **Have yeh ever done sometin' without knowing how or why? Ever done sometin' when yeh were…scared or angry?

**HARRY: **Well…there was this one time I felt really scared…

**HAGRID: **And?

**HARRY: **Well I was frozen to the spot when it happened. But then I became even more scared and then suddenly I felt something new and this really weird smell started to seep into the room –

**HAGRID: **Scaring yerself shitless doesn't count.

- Music stops.

**HAGRID: **What I'm tryin' to say is…Yer a wizard, Harry –

**HARRY: **BRING IT ON, BIT –

- Petunia whacks him in the head with a rubber chicken.

**PETUNIA: **Seriously.

**HARRY: **I'm a wizard? I can do magic?

**HAGRID: **No, when I said wizard I meant teh Wizard of Oz. Yer gunna be in a musical – Of course you can do magic!

- Hagrid pulls an envelope out of his coconut braw.

**HAGRID: **This is for yeh.

- Harry takes letter and starts reading.

**HARRY: **So this Hog Warts wants me to come to his school –

**HAGRID: **It's _Hogwarts_ for Pete's sake!

**HARRY: **So at this school, I can learn magic?

**HAGRID: **Yup.

**HARRY: **Aw right!

- Five second long victory music plays in the background and Harry dances around, punching the air and then jumping upwards and freezing in mid air.

**HAGRID: **…

- Vernon pokes Harry with a chopstick, making him fall to the ground face first.

**HARRY: **So what do we do now, Hagrid?

**HAGRID: **Do?

**HARRY: **Don't tell me that you came all this way just to tell me I'm a wizard and then leave me here!

**HAGRID: **…Not anymore!

- Hagrid laughs nervously.

**HAGRID: **So…let's go then.

- The two are about to leave until Harry pauses and jumps back into the dumpster.

**VERNON: **What do you want now?

- Harry sniffs and the world's smallest violin starts to play.

**HARRY: **Oh, Vernon, I'll miss your aggressive tone so much…

**VERNON: **Oh, for the love of –

**HARRY: **But…we both must go our separate ways. Me, destined to learn magic and rid the world of evil and you, destined to sit in a dumpster eating noodles and getting fatter by the second.

**VERNON: **Now hold on, Vietnamese food is supposed to be _healthy_!

**HARRY: **I'll miss you, my dear Vernie-poo…I'll miss you like the moon misses the sun. Like a kite misses the sky. Like a sock misses a foot. Like a toilet misses a –

**HAGRID: **Harry,

- Music stops playing.

**HARRY: **…Yes?

**HAGRID: **Weren't we about to go?

**HARRY: **Oh. Just one more moment.

- Turns back to Uncle Vernon.

**HARRY: **Before I say my final goodbye, let me recite a poem to you…_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways_ –

**VERNON: **Please…Just…_go!_

- Vernon shoves Harry out of the dumpster.

**HARRY: **Well, toodles to everyone else! Let's go shopping, Hagrid!

**HAGRID: **Shopping? Do yeh honestly think I have my wallet somewhere in dis speedo?

**HARRY: **No worries. I'm paying.

- Harry pulls a credit card out of his pocket.

**HAGRID: **Where'd ya get that?

**HARRY: **Oh, from a _very_ dear friend of mine…

- Rubs hands together evilly.

_**SOMEWHERE IN THE E.R. IN LONDON…**_

**DOCTOR: **Well, Miss Fangirl, you'll make a quick recovery in no time. Just remember to keep the cast on your arm clean and apply this ointment to where the cat bit you every morning.

**RANDOM FANGIRL: **Thank you, Doc.

**DOCTOR: **May I ask how you will be paying for this?

**RANDOM FANGIRL: **Why with my trusty credit card of course!

- Random starts to fumble in her coat pocket for said credit card.

**RANDOM FANGIRL: **What the - ? Where did it go?

**DOCTOR: **You don't have it?

**RANDOM FANGIRL: **I had it just a minute ago! I had it when I was at…Oh no…

**DOCTOR: **If you can't pay, I'm afraid we're going to have to keep you here to pay off your debts. You don't mind nursing perverted seniors do you?

**RANDOM FANGIRL: **DAMN YOU, HARRY BLADDER -

**DOCTOR: **Potter.

**RANDOM FANGIRL: **WHATEVER!

**AN: **Again, reviews are welcome! And don't forget the poll on my profile page!


	6. To Dieofgonorrhea Alley we go!

**AN: **I gots chapter six now! Sorry it took so long, I tend to get lazy during the summer (not that I'm not lazy during the school) And to make it up, I added an extra bit I was planning to save for chapter 7 but decided not to. Enjoy peoples!

**To Dieofgonorrhea Alley we go!**

**HAGRID: **Snape…Snape…Severus Snape

**HARRY: **DUMBLEDORE!

**HAGRID: **See, Harry? We make a good team.

**HARRY: **Speak for yourself! I'm just doing this to pass the time.

**HAGRID: **You really became a jerk over the years….

**HARRY: **Whatever. So where are we going exactly?

**HAGRID: **To the only place that you can get your school supplies –

**HARRY: **Zellers?

**HAGRID: **Uh…no. I was talking about Diagon Alley.

- The two come across a door entrance with a sign labelled the Leaky Cauldron.

**HARRY: **Well there's an appealing title. Not.

**HAGRID: **Just shuttup and put these on.

- Hands Harry a pair of sunglasses.

**HARRY: **Um…why?

**HAGRID: **Just trust me.

- The two enter the Leaky Cauldron as Harry puts on the sunglasses.

**BARTENDER DUDE: **Hey, there's no bachelorette party here so just – Oh, it's you, Hagrid! Nice speedo.

**HAGRID: **Thanks, I always did like the colour pink.

**BARTENDER DUDE: **And who are you?

**HARRY: **Harry Potter –

- Twenty other people run into the bar and crowd around Harry with cameras and notepads in hand.

**CROWD: **OMGOMGOMG YOU'RE THE BOY WHO LIVED!!

- Cameras start flashing and only the sunglasses protect Harry's eyes from their deadly light.

**CROWD: **OMGOMGOMG CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH??

**HAGRID: **Back off! He's mine!

- Hagrid grabs Harry by his ankles and starts swinging him around, hitting people out of the way.

**HARRY: **Well that was weird.

**HAGRID: **Only because yer famous.

**HARRY: **Now I know how the Spice Girls felt. So Hagrid, How do we get to Dieofgonorrhea Alley?

**HAGRID: **Ya mean _Diagon_ Alley.

**HARRY: **Whatever. How do we get there?

**HAGRID: **It's a secret.

**HARRY: **A secret?

**HAGRID: **A secret. There's a special procedure yeh must use te get in.

**HARRY: **A special procedure?

**HAGRID: **A special procedure. An ancient trick that 'as been used for centuries.

**HARRY: **Well get on with it then!

**HAGRID: **All right then,

- Hagrid reaches into his speedo and pulls out a pink umbrella. He twirls it around, opens it up and shouts,

**HAGRID: **WHO STOLE THE COOKIES FROM THE COOKIE JAR?

**BARTENDER DUDE: **HARRY STOLE THE COOKIES FROM THE COOKIE JAR!

**HARRY: **Who, me?

**BARTENDER DUDE AND HAGRID: **YES, YOU!

**HARRY: **Couldn't be.

**BARTENDER DUDE AND HAGRID: **THEN WHO?

- With a pop, both Hagrid and Harry disappear.

**BARTENDER DUDE: **Man, I love that song!

_**AND SO…**_

- Harry and Hagrid reappear in Diagon Alley.

**HARRY: **Man, I hate that song!

**HAGRID: **Well, get used to it cuz it's the only way in.

**HARRY: **Is it the same way out?

**HAGRID: **No, there's a special exit you'll see later on.

**HARRY: **Where is it?

**HAGRID: **Through yaw anus.

**HARRY: **Oh, haha you're not going to tell me, are you?

**HAGRID: **But I just did–

**HARRY: **Let's get this over and done with, okay? The supply list says I need wand, right?

**HAGRID: **Yeah. Teh wand shop is this way.

- They both walk towards the wand shop.

**HAGRID: **Uh, why don't yeh go in without me. I'll get the rest of yer stuff.

**HARRY: **Okay…

- Harry walks into the wand shop and the first thing he notices is a larged Wanted poster with Hagrid's picture.

**POSTER: **WANTED FOR SMUGGLING FOREIGN ANIMALS IN A SPEEDO.

**HARRY: **I should have known.

- Ollivander comes into view.

**OLLIVANDER: **Ah, I knew you would come sooner or later, Herman Potter,

**HARRY: **Um, I'm not –

**OLLIVANDER: **Yes, yes, they always come crawling back to me…They always do.

**HARRY: **My name isn't Herman.

**OLLIVANDER: **Oh, I'm sorry, Hiram, I mistook you with that other fellow –

**HARRY: **It's not Hiram either.

**OLLIVANDER: **Is it Hayden?

**HARRY: **No.

**OLLIVANDER: **Hans?

**HARRY: **No.

**OLLIVANDER: **Hamlet?

**HARRY: **No.

**OLLIVANDER: **Clyde?

**HARRY: **Nope.

**OLLIVANDER: **Is it –

**HARRY: **Harry. My name is Harry.

**OLLIVANDER: **You're Harry Potter.

**HARRY: **OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW??

**OLLIVANDER: **It's a gift. So you need a wand?

**HARRY: **Yeppers.

**OLLIVANDER: **Righteous. Try this one.

- Hands Harry a wand.

**WAND: **EEEEEVVVIIIILLLLLLLLLLL!!–

- Ollivander takes the wand away.

**OLLIVANDER: **Try this one actually.

- Hands Harry another wand. Harry waves the wand absently.

**WAND SHOP: **KABOOOOM!!

- The shop is now in smithereens with Ollivander and Harry standing in the middle.

**OLLIVANDER: **Nope.

- Hands Harry yet another wand.

**HARRY: **…

**OLLIVANDER: **…

**HARRY: **It's too short.

**OLLIVANDER: **Well shorter than the other wands but not _really_ short.

**HARRY: **But if you compare it to the other wands like this,

- Places wand alongside other wand.

**HARRY: **It looks a great lot shorter.

**OLLIVANDER: **Well no witch is going to just compare your wand to another wizard's wand just to see which one is longer.

**HARRY: **You'd be surprised what witches do these days.

**OLLIVANDER: **Right. It's not the size that counts, it's how you use it!

**HARRY: **Said the voice of experience.

**OLLIVANDER: **Shut up or I'll avada kedavra your anus off. And then what would we use as an exit?

**HARRY: **Whatever. Just give me a different wand. Something a bit bigger.

- Takes another wand to look at.

**OLLIVANDER: **OMG IT'S LIKE IT WAS MEANT TO BE!!

**HARRY: **Say what?

**OLLIVANDER: **That wand is destined to be used by you!

**HARRY: **But I didn't wave it or anything.

**OLLIVANDER: **None the less! It ironically enough links you to the wizard whom murdered your parents.

**HARRY: **Ironic, huh? Well I guess if – whooo-aaaaaaaat??

**OLLIVANDER: **Oh. I shouldn't have said that, should I?

**HARRY: **My parents were murdered? Since when?

**OLLIVANDER: **They were very dark times then…Terrible times. It was the same year that Metallica was first formed. There was a wizard that did things which were great and terrible –

**HARRY: **BEAUTY!

**OLLIVANDER: **Uh…Pardon?

**HARRY: **AGreat and Terrible Beauty! I love that book.

**OLLIVANDER: **Right…You should just…leave now…

- Opens door.

**OLLIVANDER: **Take care, Howard –

**HARRY: **Harry.

**OLLIVANDER: **Whatever.

- Harry leaves as someone else enters the shop.

**OLLIVANDER: **Ah, good evening, officer.

**MAGICAL AUTHORITY FIGURE: **Sir, we've just received notice that a Mr. Hagrid has been spotted around here. Have you by chance seen him?

**OLLIVANDER: **Oh dear! I think I saw him…was his speedo green, or orange?

**MAGICAL AUTHORITY FIGURE: **You mean there's more than one person around here wearing a speedo?

**OLLIVANDER: **Now, is that relevant to what we're talking about?

**MAGICAL AUTHORITY FIGURE: **…

_**MEANWHILE…**_

**HARRY: **Yo, Hagrid!

**HAGRID: **Shhh!

**HARRY: **Why are you hiding behind that old lady?

**HAGRID: **Shuttup!

- Old lady starts walking away.

**HAGRID: **We gotta get out of here.

- They run in the opposite direction.

**HARRY: **Hagrid?

**HAGRID: **What?

**HARRY: **Who killed my parents?

**HAGRID: **WHO TOLD YOU - Oh…Well I guess you should know the facts.

- Cue scary epic music.

**HAGRID: **It was dark times Harry, dark times…

_**FLASHBACK**_

**HAGRID: **_There wuz a wizard…let's call 'em Ben – _

**VOLDEMORT: **Don't call me that!

**HAGRID: **_Yer not here! I can call yeh whatever I want!_

**HARRY: **_Who are you talking to, Hagrid?_

**HAGRID: **_Uh…Nobody_. _Anyway, this wizard, who's actual name was Voldemort wuz gatherin' other witches and wizards to join him in his quest for the Holy Grail – _

**HARRY: **_Seriously._

**HAGRID: **_Okay, he just wanted teh kill more people, that's all. A couple of dose people were yer parents, te put it bluntly. Yer parents fought against him with all their might._

**VOLDEMORT: **Wanna join my army?

**JAMES: **Yeah, um…I'm a little busy at the moment so…let's not and say we did. Kay?

**VOLDEMORT: **Okay. AVADA KEDAVRA!

- James drops dead.

**LILY: **I married an idiot.

**VOLDEMORT: **And as for you my pretty…

- Rubs hands together evilly.

**LILY: **NO! NOT MY SON! NOT HARRY!

**VOLDEMORT: **??…Harry is your _son_? Well, this changes everything!

**LILY: **So you're not going to kill me?

**VOLDEMORT: **What? No, of course I'm going to kill you! I meant this changes everything _for me!_ Hahahahaha!

**LILY: **You jerk.

**VOLDEMORT: **AVADA KEDAVRA!

- Lily drops dead.

**VOLDEMORT: **Now you, boy!

- Points wand at baby Harry who is giving the wizard big Disney doe eyes while drooling and making cutesy baby sounds.

**VOLDEMORT: **…Damn! How can I kill when I'm looking at such a cute thing?

- Blind folds self.

**VOLDEMORT: **Much better! AVADA KEDAVRAAA–OOOOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

_**END OF FLASHBACK**_

**HARRY: **Voldemort tried to…(Squeaky voice) Kill me??

**HAGRID: **Yes but somehow you were able to survive. I dunno how you did it but you did. It's how get yer scar, Harry.

**HARRY: **This scar on my forehead which everyone always thought to be made by a sharpie?

**HAGRID: **Uh…sure.

**HARRY: **Ha! I knew it! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart!...What happened to Voldemort?

**HAGRID: **Well, people say he died. Teh curse repelled off of yeh and hit him hard. But I think he's alive…lurkin' in the shadows …maybe doin' some crack. But Harry, yeh must keep in mind that people still fear Voldemort's name. Ya must never _ever_ say it out loud or – What are yeh doin'? HARRY, GET BACK HERE!!

- Harry is dancing away singing,

**HARRY: **VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT, OOOO VOLDY-VOLDY VOLDEMORT!!

**HAGRID: **o.o'

**HARRY: **:D

**BARTENDER DUDE: **;)

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**AN: **LAST CHANCE TO VOTE FOR A SCENE YOU WANT TO SEE IN HARREH POTTAH! Vote now cuz once chapter 7 is posted, it's shutting down.

GOOD REVIEWS GET ICE CREAM ;D


	7. Hermione you Hussy!

**AN: **...And chapter 7 was born.

This is a bit shorter than I intended but oh well. Either way, he votes are in and the result is...

**Hermione you Hussy!**

**HAGRID: **Well, Harry, dis is where I leave yeh.

- World's smallest violin starts to play. Hagrid gets down on one knee.

**HAGRID: **It was never meant to be, Harry. I was never meant to feel for you…You were never meant to fall for me. But we both did and now we must pay the price through our goodbyes –

**HARRY: **Hagrid?

**HAGRID: **Yeah?

**HARRY: **Nooooooo.

- Music stops playing.

**HAGRID: **Well aren't you a little buzz kill.

**HARRY: **It's what I do best. That and…

- starts to make fart noises with armpit.

**HAGRID: **Yeah…well, I gotta go now. Here's yer ticket, Harry.

- Hands Harry a train ticket reading Platform 9 ¾

**HARRY: **Can't I just take the bus or something, Hagrid? Hagrid?

- Harry looks where Hagrid was standing only to see he's not there.

**HARRY: **OMG HE'S GONE –

**HAGRID: **Did you say something, Harry?

- Hagrid runs up to him.

**HARRY: **Uh…no.

**HAGRID: **Okay. I'm gunna go now so see ya!

- Disappears.

**HARRY: **Now where is Platform 9.75?

- Harry starts walking around, passing many people including a red haired family.

**HARRY: **Does anyone know where Platform 9.75 is?

**FRED: **Well he was all like chillin' up in mah grill 'n all an'I was like, "Brutheh, please."

**GEORGE: **Daaaaayyymn!

**HARRY: **Miss? Can you show me where I can find Platform 9 ¾? Where are you running to? I asked you a question, lady!

**FRED: **Totally, an' then his shawty come up to us and went all "You pushin' mah boy?"

**GEORGE: **Aw hell no!

**HARRY: **Hello? Does anyone know where I have to go?

**GEORGE: **Ah bet you were all like "bitch, please."

**FRED: **Ah would've if her boy didn't step up an' tell her ta back up into the getto.

**HARRY: **Anyone? Anyone at all?

**FRED AND GEORGE: **_She wore dem apple bottom jeans (jeans!) boots with da fur (with da fur!) The whole club is lookin' at her –_

**MOLLY: **All of you STFU NOW!!

- Crickets.

**FRED: **Oh that's just cold.

**MOLLY: **Just get in there!

- Shoves Fred and George through the gate to Platform 9 ¾

**RON: **Am I your favourite child now?

**MOLLY: **No, sweetie. You're far from it.

**HARRY: **OMG WHERE'D THEY GO!!

**GINNY: **Mum, a muggle saw us again.

**MOLLY: **Well fuck.

**HARRY: **IT'S MAGIC! IT'S JUST LIKE MAGIC! JUST WHILE I WAS LOOKING FOR PLATFORM 9 ¾ THEY – oh…I see.

**MOLLY: **Are you lost?

**HARRY: **Yeah. How do I get to Hog Warts?

**MOLLY: **Um…you mean _Hogwarts?_

**HARRY: **What did I say?

**MOLLY: **…

**RON: **Wanna be my new best friend?

**HARRY: **Um…yeah, I was just asking for help and…I'm not really looking for –

**GINNY: **Stfu and go already!

- Ginny shoves Harry towards the platform.

**GINNY: **Daaaaayyymn! That kid was hottah than Freddie's shawty!

**FRED: **Hell yeah! Fo' sho'!

- Ginny stares at Fred.

**HARRY: **0..o What just happened?

- Sees Hogwarts Express.

**HARRY: **...VICTORY!

- Hops on train and runs into Fred and George.

**FRED: **Yo, bruthah. Whatcha doin' in our grill?

**HARRY: **Um…putting my stuff in the storage compartment. (WTF. Where did that come from?)

**FRED: **Naw it's cool.

**GEORGE: **We'll take yaw stuff there for ya.

- Takes Harry's stuff.

**HARRY: **You're not going to take anything are you?

**GEORGE: **Naw, yaw thinkin' of da mean gangstas. They be killin' people an' stuff.

**FRED: **We dem nice Gangsta-Gs. Be doin' good stuff. Makin' friends everywheh.

**HARRY: **Okay…

**FRED: **Now you go an' get a seat, bruthah.

**GEORGE: **We'll be nice to ya as long as you don't be getting' up in aw grill.

- Harry hits his chest and gives the Westside sign.

**HARRY: **Peace out, bros.

- Walks off. The twins are silent as they had just seen the mark on his forehead.

**GEORGE: **…..Is he – ?

**FRED: **He is.

**GEORGE: **AW HELL NO!

- Harry finds the nearest empty compartment and sits himself in it as the train starts moving.

**HARRY: **Oh how I wish I had a friend to sit beside me…

- Ron comes into the compartment.

**RON: **Don't mind if I do!

- Sits across from Harry.

**HARRY: **I spoke to soon.

**RON: **I'm Ron. Who are you, friend?

**HARRY: **Harry Po–

**RON: **HARRY POTTER?! OMG I AM LIKE YOUR BIGGEST FAN! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER!!

**HARRY: **Ooookay…So tell me, Rob –

**RON: **Ron.

**HARRY: **Whatever. What do you know of Hog Warts?

**RON: **Hogwarts. It's a school if that's what you're wondering. We get sorted into houses that abuse our personality in a way so that we are either known as snobby know-it-alls, brave retards, evil bastards or fussy dweebs for seven years.

**HARRY: **…

**RON: **:D

**HARRY: **Do you have aids?

**RON: **Can I see your scar?

**HARRY: **Sure, Rick–

**RON: **Ron.

**HARRY: **Whatever.

- Lifts hair to show mark on forehead.

**RON: **….That's just a lightning bolt made from a sharpie.

**HARRY: **LIES!! This is the scare Moldywart–

**RON: **Voldemort.

**HARRY: **- Gave me when I was a baby!

**RON: **But I was told that the scar he gave you was on your –

- Hark!

**HARRY: **Hark?

- Hermione enters.

**HERMIONE: **Pardon me, but has anyone of you scene a boy's warty toad before? I was just admiring one's size a while ago when I suddenly lost track of it.

**HARRY: **...Do _you _have aids?

**RON: **Wanna see me cast a spell?

**HARRY: **Noooooo-

**HERMIONE: **Okay.

- Sits down. Ron pulls out his wand.

**HERMIONE: **Oh…

**RON: **What?

**HERMIONE: **Your wand isn't as big as I thought it would be. I have seen many larger, thicker wands on this train and they performed so nicely but I doubt yours can do any of them justice.

- Turns to Harry.

**HERMIONE: **I bet you have a much longer wand than he does!

**HARRY: **I sure do. Would you car to try it out three years from now, after I hit puberty?

**HERMIONE: **Not until you can perform a good protection charm by then.

**RON: **I'M PERFORMING A SPELL HERE! SO LIKE, NO INTERRUPTIONS!!

- Cricktes.

**RON: **Ahem…_FISH!_

- Nothing happens.

**HARRY: **…

**HERMIONE: **…

**HARRY: **Fish?

**RON: **It's a spell.

**HERMIONE: **And a very weak one. I know several spells that can make your wand co-operate with my every demand.

**HARRY: **Are you a prostitute?

- Hermione hits Harry

**HERMIONE: **No! I'm just an innocent school girl in an itty bitty skirt!

**HARRY: **……Dominatrix then?

**HERMIONE: **Oh for the love of …_CRUCIO!_

- Harry collapses onto the floor.

**HARRY: **WORLDS OF PAIN!!

**HERMIONE: **_Now_ try using your wand properly!

**GEORGE: **Daaaaayyymn! Shawty got bite!

**FRED: **Shawty got mo' than bite. Shawty style!

**HERMIONE: **Do either of you perform well?

**GEORGE: **Say what?

**HERMIONE: **Can you make magic with your wands?

**FRED: **Hell yeah!

- Hermione and the twins leave. Harry is still curled up into a little ball of pain.

**HARRY: **Help…me…

**RON: **Do you like chess?

**-** Harry falls unconscious.

**RON: **Rats then. Do you like rats?

**HARRY: **…

**RON: **Friend?

- Pokes Harry.

**RON: **Oh...he must have aids.

**SCABBERS: **You're an idiot.

a;slkdfjdk;aklfkdjiof;

**AN: **Well just because he was a rat for ten years doesn't mean that Wormtail couldn't think stuff like this.

da Weasley twins are pimpin' yo!

REVIEW, PEOPLES!


	8. Mah soooouuuul!

**AN: **Okay, so I mighta rushed this when a wee bit but I only did so because I'm leaving for camp tomorrow and will be gone for the following week...oh and I'm really excited about this chapter and wanted an opinion.

**Mah sooooooooouuuuuuuuuul!**

- Harry wakes up after a long time of being unconscious.

**HARRY: **Ugh…

**RON: **Friend! You're awake!

**HARRY: **What happened?

- Cue blurry edges as the flashback plays.

_**HERMIONE: **__Harry, if you would please stop struggling-_

_**HARRY: **__Stop struggling!? You are tying me to my own bed IT IS MY RIGHT TO STRUGGLE WHENEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!!_

_**HERMIONE: **__Shuttup and drink your tea._

- End flashback.

**RON: **No, no, that's not it at all...

- Another round of blurry edges comes.

_**HARRY: **__……Dominatrix then?_

_**HERMIONE: **__Oh for the love of …CRUCIO!_

_- Harry collapses onto the floor. _

_**HARRY: **__WORLDS OF PAIN!!_

- End flashback.

**RON: **After which, I dressed you into your school robes while you were on the floor.

- Harry looks down to see he is in fact wearing his school robes…inside out.

**HARRY: **….That _really _wasn't necessary.

_**LATER ON…**_

**RON: **The train is about to stop.

**HARRY: **Well bravo, Captain Obv–

- The train suddenly stops on the tracks and Harry falls over onto Ron.

**HARRY: **...Well this is awkward.

**RON: **I don't think it is.

- Not to be frank, but just so y'all know, Harry fell across Ron's lap.

**HARRY: **Well now that you mention it, it isn't awkward. I guess I was just overreact – GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BUTT!!

**RON: **I swear it was Scabbers!

**SCABBERS: **LIES!

- Scabber glances around nervously.

- Redundant Student pops into the room.

**REDUNDANT STUDENT: **Everyone off the train! Don't you know it stop – oh…

- Harry and Ron are still in their awkward position.

**REDUNDANT STUDENT: **….Never mind then! I'll uh…I'll just be off…now…Bye!

- Runs away.

**HARRY: **…Well that was just weird.

- Redundant Student runs back.

**REDUNDANT STUDENT: **Aren't you two eleven?

- Outside the train, Hagrid is holding up a lantern and walking around aimlessly.

**HAGRID: **First years dis way! Little first years are teh follow me to the dark side o' teh lake where nobody can see us!

**RON: **I am starting to worry.

**HAGRID: **First years follow me!

**HARRY: **Hagrid–

**HAGRID: **This way!

**HARRY: **Hagrid–

**HAGRID: **Follow me, first years!

**HARRY: **Hagrid–

**HAGRID: **Over here!

**HARRY: **Hagrid–

**HAGRID: **First years follow me!

**HARRY: **HAGRID!

**HAGRID: **WHAT!

**HARRY: **…Hi.

- Runs off giggling.

**HAGRID: **Bastard.

**HERMIONE: **Hello my large friend.

**HAGRID: **…What?

**HERMIONE: **By chance is this your cockpit?

**HAGRID: **What!?

- Hermione points to the boat.

**HAGRID: **Oh…oh! Yeah it is.

**HERMIONE: **It seems quite large. I hope it holds up well.

**HAGRID: **Well uh it…depends on what the…circumstances are…-

**HERMIONE: **Is it stable in rowdy situations?

**HAGRID: **Again, it usually varies-

**HERMIONE: **I hope it can handle my size well. Although I am small, I can make quite a ruckus at times–

**HAGRID: **OH WILL YOU JUST…get in the boat.

- Hermione hops into the boat. Ron and Harry soon join her.

**RON: **I have a friend.

**HAGRID: **Sure yeh do.

**RON: **: )

**HARRY: **Why did you leave me alone at the station?

**HAGRID: **Cuz yer a brat.

**HERMIONE: **Oh, the castle looks marvellous! I hope the beds are comfortable.

**HARRY: **If you want, I can test them out with you.

- Hermione looks at him oddly but then continues.

**HERMIONE: **I am looking forward to Potions class. But I'm worried my flask is not big enough to accommodate the liquids from one's cauldron. I hope I don't disappoint my partner during class.

**RON: **Marry me!

**HERMIONE: **…

_**ONCE IN THE CASTLE…**_

**RON: **MARRY ME!

**HERMIONE: **SHUT UP!

- All of the first years come to the Great Hall entrance.

**MCGONAGALL: **Well don't all you look adorable….

**HARRY: **I know, right?

**MCGONAGALL: **Sense the tone, boy. Anyways, I am here to bring you all into a _magical_ world of learning and knowledge and hands on skills–

**DRACO: **Bor-ing!

**HARRY: **I could have learned back in the muggle world!

**RON: **I like chocolate frogs!

**MCGONAGALL: **You're all brats.

**HERMIONE: **When shall me and the boys pass these walls and enter the-

**HARRY: **SHUTTUP BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES WITH UNCENSORED THOUGHTS!

**RON: **MARRY ME!

**MCGONAGALL: **…Wait here.

- Leaves the kids to mingle for a while.

**DRACO: **So the rumours were true…Harry has come to Hogwarts.

**HERMIONE: **Yes, yes he has come along with me and his friend, Ron.

**RON: **I HAVE A FRIEND!

**HARRY: **HE'S NOT MY FRIEND!

**DRACO: **…So I see you've been mingling with the wrong sorts up people, Potter.

**HARRY: **Yes, very, very, wrong…

- Looks over at Hermione.

**HARRY: **But a good sort of wrong.

**DRACO: **--'

**HERMIONE: **; )

**RON: **: P

**DRACO: **I can help you.

- Extends hand.

**HARRY: **Oh it's okay. I had a subway.

**DRACO: **Um…I mean I can help you get along with the rest of the school.

**HARRY: **How? This is your first time here just like the rest of us. For all I know, nobody in the Great Hall knows your name.

**DRACO: **Well uh…you see…

**HARRY: **As you can see, it's all impossible…(Gasps) Unless you're a SPY!

**NEVILLE: **WHAT!?

**SEAMUS: **A SPY!? WHERE?

**RON: **I spy with my little eye…

**HARRY: **Draco Malfoy is a spy!

**DRACO: **I am soooo not a spy, man!...Wait, how did you know my name?

**HARRY: **Dude, this is a script. I know everyone's name whenever they say something.

**DRACO: **…What?

- McGonagall comes back and whacks Draco on the head with a rubber chicken.

**MCGONAGALL: **GET BACK IN ORDER!

- Draco runs back to his two evil henchmen and cowers there for a while.

**MCGONAGALL: **Ahem. They're ready for you. Be afraid…be _very_ afraid.

**HERMIONE: **There's nothing to be afraid of unless there's a large, meaty creature that can rip us apart if it pleased. In which case, all I have to do is pet it and make it more calm and –

- McGonagall whacks her on the head with a rubber chicken.

**MCGONAGALL: **This is only rated T! Don't go around saying shit like that!

- Straightens her robes and looks at all the students again,

**MCGONAGALL: **Now follow me, bitches.

- They enter the whimsical and magical Great Hall…Dun dun duuuuuuuuun!

- All the students and McGonagall come to the end of the hall to see, what ho, an ugly brown hat perched on a stool!

**HAT: **I'd prefer it if you didn't say stuff like that about me.

- You're a hat. I can say whatever I want!

**HAT: **I feel emo.

**MCGONAGALL: **Shut up you stupid hat. Now let us all listen to the Sorting Hat's song for the year.

**HAT: **Wait, a song? Nobody said anything about a song!

**MCGONAGALL: **Just play along with.

**HAT: **Well how am I supposed to play along if I don't have a song to sing?!

**MCGONAGALL: **Well then make one up or something!

- Takes out her rubber chicken in a menacing way.

**HAT: **Alright fine! Ahem…

- Everyone leans in to here.

**HAT: **……….._Oh shit, shake that ass ma, move it like a gypsy - Stop, woah, back it up, now let me see your hips SWING! Stop, woah, back it up, now let me see your hips SWING! Now drop it looooow and let me see your hips SWING! Down to the floooor now let me see your hips SWING! Down to the floooor now let me see your –_

**MCGONAGALL: **THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FOUR FOUNDERS!

**HAT: **Oh. Well then……._Uh oh, lean back, __Helga__ you got some mean racks! You got a mean ass and I really mean that! But can't you see, that I need __Rowena__, that chick can move! Make __Godric's__ hips SWING - and - look - just like you! But come to think about it, I think this club is crowded! It's kinda hard to do your thing when __Salazar's __surrounding! So let me form a circle everybody step back! I heard somebody yell "__Hogwarts__ where the chorus at?!" _

**- **Everyone is silent. McGonagall's eye is twitching uncontrollably and the only thing that breaks the silent is Dumbledore standing up to give an enthusiastic applause which no one replies to.

**MCGONAGALL: **W-well then…Moving on…

- Gains her composure back.

**MCGONAGALL: **This hat will sort you into the house at which you are most suited to be in. Whether it be Hufflepuff…Ravenclaw…Gryf-

**STUDENTS: **WE KNOW ALREADY!

**MCGONAGALL: **Well _excuse _me! I will call each of you up in alphabetical order…oh I'm sorry. I mean I will call you up in the order at of which you are most important.

**HARRY: **Hehe, suckers. Everyone knows I'm the first one to-

**MCGONAGALL: **Hermione Granger!

**HARRY: **WHAT!?

- Hermione steps up to the hat and sits down the stool while McGonagall sets the hat on her head.

**HARRY: **BUT I'M THE BOY WHO LIVED! I'M MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER!

**STUDENTS: **SHUT UP, HARRY!

**HAT: **Well let's see here…oh…oh my…well that isn't…that's just not right…no stop! Enough already! Uh, GRYFFINDOR!

- Everyone gives half hearted applauses as Hermione jumps off the stool and goes over to the Gryffindor table.

**HARRY: **I'm okay now. Everyone knows I'm the next one up so-

**MCGONAGALL: **Draco Malfoy!

**HARRY: **YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

- Draco steps up to the stool and the hat is barely lowered onto his head when…

**HAT: **….

- ….The hat his barely lowered onto Draco's head when…

**HAT: **…What?

- It's your line.

**HAT: **Oh…OH! Uh…HUFFLEP-

- Wrong.

**HAT: **RAVEN-

- Nope.

**HAT: **GRYF-

- NO!

**HAT: **…Slytherin…?

- Everyone claps and Draco goes over to the Slytherin table.

**RON: **Hey, friend, one of the teachers is staring at you all creepy like.

**SNAPE: **LIES!

- Everyone is silent.

**SNAPE: **I mean…carry on please.

- Everyone does so and Snape continues to stare.

**HARRY: **Creepy.

**MCGONAGALL: **Ronald Weasley!

**HARRY: **OH COME ON!

- Ron runs up to the stool and trips over his own robe halfway.

**RON: **I'm okay!

- He continues his way to the stool and sits down.

**HAT: **Oh for the love of…who let this boy in here? Honestly! Well, I don't want to give you much trouble for pity's sake…well actually I do so GRYFFINDOR!

**RON: **(Sniffs) I feel so happy!

- Runs over to the Gryffindor table.

**MCGONAGALL: **And now Harry Potter!

**HARRY: **THANK YOU!

- Runs over to the stool and sits down eagerly.

**HAT: **Now let's see here…ah, you are a very special person.

**HARRY: **Well I am suspected of having A.D.D.

**HAT: **Er, that's not what I meant. You are very important, yes _very_ important and _special_…I think you should go in…GRYF-

**HARRY: **NOT SLYTHERIN!

**HAT: **…But I wasn't going to say–

**HARRY: **Anything but Slytherin! I'll give you my soul just to not be in there!

**DRACO: **I'm hurt. Truly hurt.

**HAT: **It's really not necessary–

**HARRY: **My soul! I am offering my soul!

**HAT: **No really, I'm–

**HARRY: **Mah sooooouuuuuul!

**HAT: **But I–

**HARRY: **Sooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuul! Soooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul!

**HAT: **ALRIGHT FINE! YOU'RE IN GRYFFINDOR!

**GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS: **Fuck.

;alskdfjfjdklas;

**AN: **Oh and to make up for the time I'll be gone, I added a couple youtube links onto my profile. Watch dem. They're funny.

PEACE OUT!


	9. Dunanunanunanua Dobby's Sock!

**AN: **Dunanunanunanuna - CHAPTER NINE! I'm back from a somewhat pleasant camping trip and got this written down asap. And I decided to post my replies to some of the reviews I haven't replied to yet here so

**cto10121**, we're all out of chocolate, how does rocky road sound? lol

**Alpha Site**, I have a spare straight jacket in case you need one. And MORE IS YET TO COME!

**Pipsky (I don't know whether I replied to you or not (Kinda short term memory at the moment)) **McGonagall has just started.

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THE REVIEWS!

**Dunanunanunanuna - Dobby's Sock!**

**MCGONAGALL: **And that concludes our sorting ritual.

**FIRST YEAR STUDENTS: **Wait, what about us?

**MCGONAGALL: **What are you all doing here?

**FIRST YEAR STUDENTS: **We didn't get sorted yet.

**MCGONAGALL: **Well I guess you should have come earlier then.

**FIRST YEAR STUDENTS: **We were here the entire time!

**MCGONAGALL: **No you weren't. Go home now, nobody likes you.

- They slowly leave the hall.

**OTHER STUDENTS: **Can we eat now?

**MCGONAGALL: **No. Now if our Headmaster would please come up and talk to everyone else.

- Dumbledore is slumped in his chair fast asleep.

**MCGONAGALL: **...Ahem.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Zzzz…

**MCGONAGALL: **ALBUS!

- Dumbledore jumps up.

**DUMBLEDORE: **MY BOWELS!

- Runs off to the latrines.

**HARRY: **Say what?

- Everyone is silent.

**HERMIONE: **What a poor old man! His magic skills must be uncoordinated after years of –

**DUMBLEDORE: **I am just fine thank you very much!

- Runs back into the Great Hall

**DUMBLEDORE: **Now y'all listen to me as I speak please.

- Everyone is silent.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Welcome to Hogwarts, yo!

**FRED: **Hell yeah!

**GEORGE: **Tell 'em, bruthah!

**DUMBLEDORE: **As you know, we teach magic here, yada yada yada…but we are dangerous.

**HARRY: **Well aren't you frank.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Yeah we have secret passageways and three headed things here that try to tear your head clean off while the forest outside has giant insects and blood sucking suckers so like, look out.

**STUDENTS: **…

**RON: **The Headmaster is on crack!

**DUMBLEDORE: **I'm also on dope, weed, and…hold on…

- Flips through script.

**DUMBLEDORE: **I'm not saying this! This is total garbage.

- Everyone flips through their own scripts.

**HERMIONE: **….What's a douche?

**FRED: **They're like Christians only dey don't do the Christmas thing.

**GEORGE:**She said _douche_ not Jewish.

**MCGONAGALL: **This is sick!

**HARRY: **I'll say. What do we do now?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Anyone here have a sharpie?

**HARRY: **Wow…dejavu…

**MCGONAGALL: **Nooooooo, Albus.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Oh fine. We can just do the iPod Shuffle.

**HARRY: **The _what?_

- "AND HERE'S WHERE THE FUN BEGINS!" – Grabs iPod.

**DUMBLEDORE: **We're gonna do this chapter to match whatever music is playing on Grimly's iPod.

**MCGONAGALL: **Don't change the song and don't pause at any given time!

- "Fine…"

**DUMBLEDORE: **BEGIN!

- Turns on iPod.

**IPOD: **Shake Tramp – Marianas Trench

**RON: **Ooooooooayoooooooooooooohaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh……..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**FRED AND GEORGE: **Bup-bup-bup-budda-up-bup-bup-budda-up-budda-up-budda-up-bup-bup

- Harry starts dancing around aimlessly.

**HARRY: **Hey, hot stuff.

**HERMIONE: **Oh, Harry…

- Dances with him.

**GINNY: **BITCH YOU STOLE MY FUTURE HUSBAND!

**EVERYONE: **……

**MCGONAGALL: **…..How did you get here?

**GINNY: **I have my sources…

_**MEANWHILE…**_

**RANDOM FANGIRL: **_That'll _show him to steal my credit card!

**DOCTOR: **Miss, Howard informs me you haven't given him a sponge bath yet so get to hit.

**RANDOM FANGIRL: **Oh, just wait until I pay off my debts to the hospital. They'll see…They'll all see…

_**HOGWARTS…**_

**HARRY: **…Future…Husband…?

**DUMBLEDORE: **NEXT SONG!

- Song changes.

**IPOD: **Kick me when I'm high – Sum 41

- Dumbledore pulls out some cellophane.

**MCGONAGALL: **I know the lyrics say, "_Clings to be like cellophane_" but honestly, Albus…

**DUMBLEDORE: **Oh whatever.

**HARRY: **Yeah. Whatever.

- Harry starts to kick Ron.

**RON: **Ow! Ow! I thought we were friends!

**HAGRID: **I used to be such a nice boy!

**HERMIONE: **Kick me when I'm high!

**HARRY: **…….Okay.

- Starts kicking Hermione.

**MCGONAGALL: **So what're you doing with that cellophane anyway?

- Dumbledore stares at Minerva.

**MCGONAGALL: **I don't wanna know, do I?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Nope.

**MCGONAGALL: **NEXT SONG!

- Song ends. Next one starts.

**IPOD: **The Grace – Neverending White Lights

**EVERYONE: **…..

**HARRY: **I feel emo. And I'm not supposed to feel that for another five years!

**HAGRID: **Dis is depressing.

**RON: **TTTT

- "…..Should I change the song?"

**EVERYONE: **Yes!

- Song changes.

**IPOD: **I Write Sins not Tragedies – Panic! at the Disco

**RON: **Oh what a glorious day for a wedding!

**DUMBLEDORE: **But nobody's getting married.

**HERMIONE: **I'm a whore!

**HARRY: **Well no sh-

**MCGONAGALL: **THAT'S IT! WE NEED TO GET THIS SORTED OUT!

- Music stops.

**MCGONAGALL: **This chapter sucks!

- "Well I feel like crud today so I can do whatever the heck I want bee-yatch!"

**MCGONAGALL: **Oh know you di-in't!

- Cat fight begins.

**MCGONAGALL:** I never did like you ya know!

- "Well there's a shocker! All this time I thought those dead mice you were leaving in my sock drawer were meant to be _sentimental!"_

**DUMBLEDORE: **You left dead mice in her sock drawer? Sick.

**MCGONAGALL: **I'm half cat what did you expect?

**HARRY: **Does anyone else feel awkward?

**STUDENTS: **Yeah.

**RON: **Dobby's sock!

**EVERYONE: **…

- Grimly and Minerva stop fighting.

**MCGONAGALL: **….Truce?

- "Truce. You have my blessing."

**MCGONAGALL: **Thanks.

- Walks over to Ron, picks him up and shoves him in the compost.

- The rest of this story will seem even funnier if you imagine Ron's voice really high pitched and squeaky like on Potter Puppet Pals :P

**RON: **Help! Oh help me please! Isn't anyone going to save me?

- Harry starts but Hagrid shoves him back.

**HARRY: **I'm supposed to be the hero here!

**HAGRID: **That's not until Halloween so sit down and shut up.

**RON: **Help! Help!

- Spunk Ransom crashes through the windows.

**SPUNK RANSOM: **Dunanunanunanunanunanunanunanuna – RPattz!

**EVERYONE: **Gasps!

**RON: **What? What's going on?

**SPUNK RANSOM: **Release that ginger haired child from the garbage!

**DUMBLEDORE: **You can't stop us now, Spunk Ransom!

- Cackles evilly.

**SPUNK RANSOM: **Actually I can.

- Pulls out a suitcase.

**SPUNK RANSOM: **Considering I'm gonna be in this gig three years from now,

- Pulls out contract

**SPUNK RANSOM: **I have the rights to do whatever I want.

**MCGONAGALL: **Well in that case you can…um…Spunk?

**SPUNK RANSOM: **Yes?

**MCGONAGALL: **There's uh, something on your arm.

- Spunk looks down at his left arm which Hermione is clinging to and drooling on.

**HERMIONE: **Yer haaaaaawwwwwwwwwt….

**SPUNK RANSOM: **Oh is that all, Minerva? I get this all the time-

**MCGONAGALL: **Your other arm, Spunky.

- Looks at his right arm which Ron his clinging to and drooling on.

**RON: **Reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllyyyyy haaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwt…

**SPUNK RANSOM: **...Still kind of common for me.

- George flips through the script.

**GEORGE: **It don't say yo name here.

**SPUNK RANSOM: **I'll be undercover at the time. You'll all know me as…that guy from Hufflepuff!

- High pitched chorus of "Hufflepuff!" plays.

**GEORGE: **What guy from Hufflepuff?

**SPUNK RANSOM: **_The_ guy from Hufflepuff.

**FRED: **In case ya didn't figure it out, dude, ders more than one Hufflepuff kid in dis hood.

**HUFFLEPUFF STUDENTS: **Yo.

**SPUNK RANSOM: **Well uh…I'm that…the one that…dead…Excuse me!

- Crashes through another window and leaves.

**HERMIONE: **Come back! I'll do anything for you!

**HARRY: **Anything?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Not now, Potter.

**MCGONAGALL: **Everyone off to bed! Prefects lead the way.

**STUDENTS: **But we didn't eat yet!

**MCGONAGALL: **Well you should have asked then. Now it's too late.

**STUDENTS: **We did ask!

**MCGONAGALL: **No you didn't. What are you talking about? Go to bed, I'm getting sick of looking at all of you.

**RON: **My Mom says I'm beautiful.

**PERCY: **No she doesn't. Go to bed.

**GEORGE: **Yo, dis chapter is messed_ up!_

**FRED: **Fo sho.

**HARRY: **Hell yeah, bruthah!

**FRED: **Step off, Harry.

**GEORGE: **Yeah.

**HARRY: **Don't scizzle mah nizzle, bro!

**FRED AND GEORGE: **…

**MALFOY: **…This is all on one script?

a;lskdfjdklas;

**AN: **Not one of my best chapters I think but It probably had to do with the lack of internet and online comics while away.


	10. TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!

**AN: **I'm was just typing this chapter on my trusty computer when suddenly I realize THIS IS THE FIRST DOUBLE DIGIT CHAPTER YO!

- Triumphant music plays in the background

**AN: **I'd like to thank my family, my friends, my trusty fans for all the reviews they gave me!

- Starts to cry

**AN: **I didn't think I would get this far without all of you! I mean, 73 reviews WOW! I feel so special and I'm so lucky to be here and -

**HARRY: **Uh, Grimly?

- Music dies down -

**AN: **What?

**HARRY: **I'm glad for your victory and all and I'd do anything to help you keep at it but while we're on the subject...do you mind explaining to everyone that I'm not...you know...

**AN: **Oh that? Yeah I'll get to it at the end of the chapter.

**HARRY: **Thanks, Grimly! You're a real pal you know that? I owe you one. You name it, and I'll get it done! Anything! That's how grateful I am-

**AN: **Yeah, yeah. Just head on back to your trailer, Potter.

**TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!**

- Late at night, everyone in the boy's dorms is asleep except for Harry whom is sitting by the window in his Pooh Bear PJs, gazing out into the mysterious night with his trusty owl, Hedwig–

**HARRY: **WTF! Since when did I have a pet owl??

**HEDWIG: **Since I was yo momma bitch!

**HARRY: **…

- Hedwig coughs up a pellet.

**;alskdfjadsk;jfkldjf;a**

**AKA THE NEXT DAY…**

**RON: **So what is our schedule today, friend?

**HARRY: **Honestly, did kicking you senselessly in the head teach you nothing last night?

**RON: **Kicking me in the head? What fun! Let's do that right now!

- Ron drops to the floor

**RON: **Kick away, friend.

**HARRY: **…I thought I'd never say this but…this 'friendship' seems to be slowly improving!

- Hermione comes running down the hallway, past Harry and Ron.

**HARRY: **Where is she off to in such a hurr-

**RON: **I just saw up Hermione's skirt!

- Gets hit by Harry.

**HARRY: **Don't interrupt me. Where is she going?

**RON: **I think to a place called class.

**HARRY: **Class? CLASS?! LEARNING MAGIC SHOULDN'T INCLUDE _CLASS!_ IT SHOULD INCLUDE DEFEATING EVIL AND BATTLING GIANT SNAKES AND-

- Harry is interrupted by an anonymous teacher's muffled voice from the other room.

**TEACHER: **Today's lesson, class, is learning how to shrink clothing items even while they are still being worn.

- Harry suddenly gets a sick and perverted brain wave. He pulls Ron up off the floor.

**HARRY: **Come on! We're going to be late for class!

- They both hurry into McGonagall's room

**HARRY: **I'm ready to learn how to shrink clothes now!

**MCGONAGALL: **Say what?

**HARRY: **Weren't you saying that we were going to shrink clothing items today?

**MCGONAGALL: **Em…no. Sit down.

- They sit.

**HARRY: **So what are we learning today?

**MCGONAGALL: **Today, you are going to…What?

- Hermione is bouncing up and down in her seat with her hand raised high.

**HERMIONE: **Do me! Do me!

**HARRY: **You're a sassy little thing, aren't you?

**MCGONAGALL: **Miss Granger, what are you talking about?

**HERMIONE: **I know the answer!

**MCGONAGALL: **But…I didn't ask you anything…

- Hermione is still jumping up and down.

**MCGONAGALL: **(Sighs) Fine…

**HERMIONE: **Ahem…In today's lesson, Professor McGonagall shall teach us how to transform a beetle into a plastic button.

**MCGONAGALL: **Doulbe-U-tee-eff! How did she know that?

**HERMIONE: **–This will be important for the rest of our lives unless of course you want to waste your life working at a muggle hotdog stand. Further more…

**HERMIONE AS HARRY HEARS HER: **Blabber blabber blabber blubber –Transform– blabber blubber blibber blubber blibber blabber –Your– blubber blubber blabber –Hotdog– blabber blabber –Further– blubber blabber…

**HARRY: **What you talkin' about, Granger?

- Everyone is silent.

**DRACO: **OMG it's Gary Coleman!

**MCGONAGALL: **Sit down Potter, your creeping us out.

- Harry sits down and spends the rest of the class only partially listening.

**LATER IN POTIONS CLASS…**

**SEAMUS: **Have you noticed a lot of those 'Later on…' things are happening more often?

**DEAN: **Yeah but after a while, you can just tune them out and it's not so bad.

**SEAMUS: **No not that. I mean when you're with a chick doing stuff and then she has you wait _later on_ and then–

**DEAN: **Seamus?

**SEAMUS: **Yeah?

- Dean slaps him in the face.

**DEAN: **We – (Slap!) – Are – (Slap!) – Eleven! (Slap!)

**HARRY: **I can't wait for potions class. We get to make potions. Have you ever made a potion before? I bet making potions is fun! I just know I'm gonna love this class the most!

**SNAPE: **Siddown!

**DRACO: **We're already sitting.

**SNAPE: **…And shuttup. I am Snape, the potions master. Welcome to potions class.

**RON: **Yay potions!

**HARRY: **Does anyone get the feeling we're ripping someone off right now?

**STUDENTS: **What are we going to learn today, Professor?

**SNAPE: **The beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with it's shimmering fumes –

**HARRY: **Is this really necessary?

**SNAPE: **Don't interrupt!…The delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins…bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses…I can teach to you bottle fame, brew glory, even put a stopper in death…I can teach the secrets of – MR POTTER PLEASE SIT DOWN!

**HARRY: **What?

- Harry is in the corner of the room putting on a puppet show.

**SNAPE: **You know exactly what. Sit down this instant!

**HARRY POTTER PUPPET:** Screw you, Snape!

**SNAPE: **I said sit down!

**DUMBLEDORE PUPPET:** Come now, Severus. Show a little compassion why not?

**SNAPE: **No!

- Harry sits back down.

**SNAPE: **Mr Potter...we meet at last.

**HARRY: **Nooooo! Really??

**SNAPE: **Losersayswhat.

**HARRY: **What?

**SNAPE: **Ha ha ha. I can tell you are going to struggle in this class, Potter.

**HARRY: **Well with you saying shit like that, I wouldn't doubt it.

**SNAPE: **Do you like chess, Mr Potter?

**HARRY: **No, it's too hard.

**SNAPE: **…Checkers then?

**HARRY: **Nope.

**SNAPE: **Chinese checkers?

**HARRY: **No.

**SNAPE: **Soccer/Football?

**HARRY: **No.

**SNAPE: **Dominos?

**HARRY: **Nope.

**SNAPE: **Dalmations?

**HARRY: **No.

**SNAPE: **Oreos?

**HARRY: **OMG I LOVE OREOS! I EAT THEM ALL THE TIME BUT I USUALLY JUST SCRAPE OFF THE ICING SO I CAN EAT THAT AND THROW THE COOKIE PART AWAY I MEAN–

**SNAPE: **So…you like the white icing over the black cookie?

**HARRY: **Yup.

**SNAPE: **So that would make you racist then wouldn't it?

**HARRY: **WHAT!

**SNAPE: **Everyone; HARRY POTTER HAS ADMITTED TO BEING RACIST!

**STUDENTS: **OMG!!

**DRACO: **I knew it!

**NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: **And I thought he was such a polite boy!

**DEAN: **Hurt! I honestly feel hurt!

**SPUNK RANSOM: **It's called justice! Get with the times, Potter!

**FRED AND GEORGE: **YO RACIST MUTHAH F--AH!!

**HARRY: **I'M NOT RACIST!

**DUMBLEDORE: **Now calm down Herman –

**EVERYONE: **Harry.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Whatever. You're not the only one. Back in the sixties, I was admitted of being racist too. But then all I had to do was pretend I was straight and people took me being racist as just a rumour –

**SNAPE: **Um, Professor?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Yes?

**SNAPE: **That incident wasn't in the sixties…it was yesterday. And you weren't accused of being racist, you were accused of being gay. Which is true.

**DUMBLEDORE: **So pretending I was straight didn't work?

**SNAPE: **Nope.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Well damn. I thought grabbing Minervas butt would've done it.

**SNAPE:** That was my butt, sir.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Are you sure?

**SNAPE: **Positive.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Really, because I could have sworn it was–

**SNAPE: **No sir, it really was mine.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Well damn. I guess I'll just have to try harder next time.

**HARRY: **…What does this have to do with everyone accusing me of being racist?

**DUMBLEDORE: **What? RACIST!? OMG I KNEW IT!!

**HARRY: **I'M NOT RACIST!

**RON: **I SAW UP HERMIONE'S SKIRT!!

- Crickets

**RON: **…It's true!

**HERMIONE: **So is it too short or something?

**FRED: **Naaawww…

**DRACO: **Not…really…

- George kneels down and looks at her skirt.

**GEORGE: **Yeah it is.

- Gets slapped.

**HARRY: **I'm still not racist! Fred, George! Mah homeboys! Tell 'em, bruthahs.

**FRED AND GEORGE: **…

**HARRY: **Yo I say tell 'em ah an't a playah hateh.

**FRED: **Yeah.

**GEORGE: **He racist awright.

**FRED: **Y'all can tell by teh marker stain on hes head.

**HARRY: **That's my scar! Right, Dumbledore?

**DUMBLEDORE: **...Sure…

- Bell rings.

**SNAPE: **Class dismissed.

- Everyone starts leaving.

**HERMIONE: **Is it really that short?

**RON: **…

**HERMIONE: **It honestly isn't _that _short. I saw it myself, it's a bloody foot long! Any girl would be satisfied with such length not just me…Ron…Ron?

- Ron is staring at Hermione all creepy like.

**RON: **Marry me!

**HARRY: **Snape! This isn't over! I shall get back at you once and for all.

**SNAPE: **Oh I highly doubt that, Potter.

**HARRY: **Oh really? What makes you so –

**SNAPE: **Racistlosersayswhat.

**HARRY: **What? Damnit!

;;alkdjfdklasfjd;slkafjadsklfjsd;alfkjdslakfjdsafjklsd;a

**HARRY: **So are you...?

**AN: **Am I what?

**HARRY: **Going to tell everyone that I'm not -

**AN: **Oh right! Ahem...everyone! I must clear this up so as to not traumatize Harry any further: HARRY POTTER DOES NOT HAVE AIDS.

**HARRY: **WHAT!

**AN: **Thank you. You've been a good crowd! Good night and Drive home safely.

**HARRY: **THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT-

**AN: **Oh shuttup! And just so y'all know, Snape saying "The beauty of the simmering cauldron and it's shimmering fumes" and so forth is a Potter Puppet Pals referance from one of the older skits. Just to clear things up.

REVIEW!

**HARRY: **I'M NOT RACIST!

**AN: **SHATTUP!


	11. And now for something Totally Different

**AN: **Hey guys, I just thought I should give you a heads up: I'm not going to be here for the next week for a certain insegnificant reason -

**HARRY: **SHE'S PREGNANT!

**AN: **NO I'M NOT!! Really. I'm actually going to my Uncle's wedding -

**HARRY: **That's a week long?

**AN: **Shuttup Harry! Anyway, I don't have a very good start on Chapter 11 yet and considering August 2 was only two days ago I'll be busy yet -

**HERMIONE: **SHE'S READING BREAKING DAWN! DON'T INTERRUPT HER AND DON'T SPOIL ANYTHING CUZ I'M STILL READING IT TOO!!

**HARRY:** What's Breaking Dawn?

**RON: **SHUTTUP! I'M STILL READING TWILIGHT!

**AN: **...Well good luck with that. Anyway, I won't be able to update for a while. And sorry for anyone who I didn't reply to their reviews. Getting a wee bit sidetracked -

**HERMIONE: **OMFG NOOOOWAAAAAY!!

- Hermione continues to read

**HARRY: **I DON'T HAVE AIDS!

**RON: **I HAVE A FRIEND!

**HARRY: **HE'S NOT MY FRIEND!

**AN: **Both of you SHUTTUP RIGHT NOW!!...Toodles everyone!


	12. Ooohh That Had to Hurt!

**AN: **I'm baaaaaaaack! And let me just say, Breaking Dawn...BOO-YAH!! But did anyone else feel freaked out while reading from Jacobs POV? Ah well. Cookies for those who were so patient with me!

**Ooohh That had to Hurt!**

**- **The next day, Ron and Harry enter the great hall.

**RON: **Oh it seems like such a glorious day, don't you think?

- Everyone glares at Harry

**HARRY: **Just peachy.

**HERMIONE: **Must. Read. Finish. Must. Know. Must. Know. Must –

**RON: **Hello my future wife!

**HERMIONE: **BACK OFF!

**RON: **Why must you hurt me?

**HERMIONE: **Must. Read. Must. Know. Treaty. Vampire. Must.

**HARRY: **Uh Hermione…you're not very crude today and it's starting to creep me out.

**HERMIONE: **I SAID BACK THE F-- OFF OR ELSE I'LL SHOVE THIS FORK UP YOUR -- YOU LITTLE -- -- SOUP -- GOOD FOR NOTHING -- HIPPOPOTAMUS -- -- -- RACIST -- -- -- IN A CASTLE FAR, FAR AWAY WHERE NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU -- -- -- PLANKTON -- -- JERK -- -- -- !!

**HARRY: **0..o

**RON: **D:

**HERMIONE: **(Pant, pant, pant)…

**HARRY: **Good book?

**HERMIONE: **LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE!!

- Harry hides behind Ron.

**HARRY: **I bet I can.

**RON: **What's it called?

**HERMIONE: **BREAKING DAWN! IT'S LIKE THE BIGGEST MOST ANTISIPATEDNOVELINTHEENTIREWORLDATTHEMOMENTLIKEHOWCOMEYOUNEVERHEARDOFITBEFORE?OMGYOUNEVERHEARDOFTWILIGHT!! (Pant, pant, pant)…

**HARRY: **Say, Ron, how about we sit somewhere else for breakfast?

**RON: **Okay.

- They walk away as Hermione continues to read.

**HERMIONE: **Must. Read. Must. Must. Know. Vampire. Werewolf. Must – OMFG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!

**RON: **Friend, I'm scared.

**HARRY: **Hold me, Ron.

**HOOCH: **'Ello kiddos!

**- **Harry squeals like the little girl he is.

**HARRY: **WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!

**HOOCH: **Oh dear…well ya see, boy, there's a special relationship between a Mummy and Daddy and when they feel–

**HARRY: **No, no, that's not what I meant.

**HOOCH: **Oh you meant…oh.

**HARRY: **Yeah.

**HOOCH: **Wanna learn how to fly?

**HARRY: **Wanna learn how to - Whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

**HERMIONE: **SHUTTUP!

**HOOCH: **Yeah it's mah job to teach y'all first year brats to fly.

**FIRST YEAR STUDENTS: **Sweet!

**DRACO: **Ha! I already know how to fly!

**HOOCH:** Oh really?

**DRACO: **Yeah, really.

**HOOCH: **Really?

**DRACO: **…Really.

**HOOCH: **Reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaally?

**DRACO: **Uh–

**HOOCH: **REEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLYYYYY–

- Gets whacked in the head with a rubber chicken.

**HOOCH: **…okay. Who wants to learn how to fly?

**FIRST YEAR STUDENTS: **ME!

**HERMIONE: **SHADDUP!!

**DRACO: **But I already know how to fly!

**HOOCH:** Then you can teach them!

- Hands Draco a broom.

**DRACO: **What did you say!

**HARRY: **She said, "THEN YOU CAN TEACH THEM!!"

**HOOCH: **If you're such an expert, you should be able to teach all your peers.

**DRACO: **Okay…Well…first you have to –

**RON: **Pick me! Pick me! I am terribly smart and ever so clever!

**HERMIONE: **Hey! That's my line!

- Continues to read.

**HERMIONE: **Alice did WHAT!?

**DRACO: **What do you want, Weasley?

**RON: **I know how to fly!

**HOOCH: **What did Albus hire me for?

**RON: **All you gotta do is think of a happy thought. Any happy thought and jump into the air!

**HOOCH: **…

**DRACO: **…

**HARRY: **It's not working!

**RON: **What are you thinking of?

**HARRY: **Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…

**DRACO: **(Cough) Fag (Cough, cough)

**RON: **Oh right, I have to sprinkle fairy dust on you.

- Grabs a bag full of "fairy dust"

**HARRY: **That's not –

**RON: **Shut up and hold still.

- Begins to sprinkle dandruff onto Harry's head.

**HOOCH: **O…kay…Who _really _wants to learn how to fly?

**RON: **Well do you have fairy dust?

**HOOCH: **Err, no.

**RON: **Than you cannot teach us how to fly!

**HOOCH: **……..I quit.

- Flies up and away.

**HARRY: **I wanna fly! I wanna fly!

**RON: **You will once you close your eyes.

- Harry closes his eyes.

**RON: **Good, now spread your legs further apart.

**HARRY: **Are you going to molest me or something?

**RON: **No–

**HERMIONE: **Yes.

**RON AND HARRY: **…

**HERMIONE: **…I mean – Caius said WHAT!?

- Continues to read Breaking Dawn.

**RON: **Spread your legs further, Harry.

- Harry spreads his legs further.

**RON: **Good now hold still for a moment –

- Draco runs up and kicks him in the crotch.

**HARRY: **AAAAAAGGHHH!!

**RON: **Hold your position!

**HARRY: **(Whimpers) Will…this help…me…fly?

**RON: **Yes, and it's meant to make everyone else feel better.

**HARRY: **EVERYONE!?

- Ron kicks Harry in the crotch. Then Seamus. Then Dean. Then the Patil twins. Then the Weasely twins. Then Madame Hooch. Then Snape. Then Spunk Ransom. Then Pipsky. Then Mad Eye Moony. Then Minerva. Then Clare-stovold. Then that student that saw Harry and Ron in the awkward position when the train stopped when it arrived at Hogwarts. Then Hagrid. Then Jasper. Then Alice. Then Bella. Then Rosalie. Then Emmett (Now that would've REALLY hurt!). Then iceball19. Then EvanescentRomance. Then Charlie. Then everyone in the Volturi. Then Nearly Headless Nick. Then Dudley. Then Aunt Petunia. Then Michael Jackson. Then Ryan Higa. Then Nudge. Then Iggy (HARRY: but his BLIND!). Then Fang. Then Max. Then –

**RON: **Uh…I think that's enough.

**EVERYONE THAT DIDN'T KICK HARRY WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE YET: **What? Aw come on! We need to feel better as well! We wanna kick someone in the crotch!

**RON: **There's always Neville you know.

**NEVILLE: **What?

**EVERYONE THAT DIDN'T KICK HARRY WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE YET: **…We'll take it. .

- They run after Neville. Harry is left, curled up in a little ball on the ground.

**HARRY: **(Whimpering) Worlds…of…PAIN!

**RON: **Now you're ready to fly.

**HARRY: **(still whimpering)…Sweet…

- Ron pulls him up into the same position as before everyone kicked him.

**RON: **Close your eyes.

- Puts a broom between his legs. Harry is soon flying off.

**HARRY: **OMG I'm flying! I can fly!

**RON: **He can fly!

**DRACO: **He can fly!

**EVERYONE THAT DIDN'T KICK HARRY WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE YET:** He can fly? GET HIM!

**HARRY: **Ha ha suckers! I'm out of your reach now!

- Steers uncontrollably into the nearest window leading into McGonagall's office.

**HAGRID: **HOLY HELL IN A HAND BASKET!

**MCGONAGALL: **POTTER WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?

**HARRY: **Is it my fault that I don't know how to steer?

**HAGRID AND MCGONAGALL: **Yes.

**HARRY: **Wait, what are the both of you doing…Here…Alone…With candles lit and two glasses of champagne?

**HAGRID: **Oh. Um, well ya see Harry, we were uh, doing this…thing an' it isn't romantic or anyting –

**MCGONAGALL: **We're role playing!

**HAGRID: **What!

**HARRY: **Role playing? Psh! Sure. Even you aren't dorky enough to role play!

**MCGONAGALL: **We're doing…a scene from a…book.

**HARRY: **Oh really?

**MCGONAGALL: **Really.

**HARRY: **Really?

**MCGONAGALL: **…Really.

**HARRY: **Reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaally–

**MCGONAGALL: **Honestly, what do I have to bribe you with so you'll shut up!

**HARRY: **One _trillion_ dollars.

**HAGRID: **Done!

**MCGONAGALL: **Rubeus!

**HARRY: **Mauhahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!

- Pauses.

**HARRY: **One second thought; why have one trillion when you can instead have…One _billion_ dollars! MAUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!

**MCGONAGALL: **…But that's less than one trillion.

**HARRY: **MAUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – I'm bored.

- Begins to walk out the room.

**HARRY: **See you two around.

**HAGRID: **Oi! Harry, you fergot yer broom.

- Tosses it towards Harry whom catches it single handedly.

**HARRY: **Thanks.

**MCGONAGALL: **Oh. My. Goblet. THAT CATCH WAS AMAZING! YOU HAVE TO TRY OUT FOR THE QUIDDITCH TEAM!!

**HARRY: **Say what?

**HAGRID: **But I thought you said I could be on the team.

- McGonagall shoves Hagrid out of the room.

**MCGONAGALL: **Potter, with skills like that, you'll make an excellent Leaker!

**HARRY: **Leaker?

**MCGONAGALL: **Sorry, I meant Seeker.

**HARRY: **But you said _Leaker_.

**MCGONAGALL: **Yes but I didn't mean –

**HARRY: **So I'll be an _excellent Leaker_, eh Minerva? Is that what you meant?

**MCGONAGALL: **Mr. Potter –

**HARRY: **Well I don't mean to brag, but I have been an excellent Leaker ever since I was potty trained.

**MCGONAGALL: **Harry…–

**HARRY: **It's Leaker Champion now!

**MCGONAGALL: **Harry–

**HARRY: **I wonder if they give out awards for being an excellent Leaker.

**MCGONAGALL: **HARRY!

**HARRY: **Don't walk out of this Minerva. I am honestly flattered by your compliment

–

**-** Get's whacked in the head with a broom.

**MCGONAGALL: **Do you want to play Quidditch or not?

**HARRY: **Sure.

**MCGONAGALL: **Okay then.

- Pulls Harry out of the office to go meet Oliver.

**MCGONAGALL: **Mr. Wood!

**OLIVER: **Yes?

**MCGONAGALL: **I have made an amazing discovery! I have found your team's Seeker!

**OLIVER: **Is this the same discovery you mentioned you would introduce me to yesterday?

**MCGONAGALL: **Uh…no.

- In the next corridor, Hagrid is sniffing back his tears of disappointment.

**HAGRID: **Actually, I'm slicin' onions.

**AN: **….

**MCGONAGALL: **Harry will be your Seeker, Oliver.

**OLIVER: **Nice to meet you, Harry.

**HARRY: **Good _morning Wood_! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

**OLIVER: **Jerk. I'll take him!

**MCGONAGALL: **Good! Now I have to go back to my office, I have a um…meeting…with someone…

**HARRY: **Okay, Professor. Have fun role playing!

**OLIVER: **…?

**MCGONAGALL: **…….Thank you, Harry. Ciao!

- Leaves.

**OLIVER: **So Harry, since you're on the team now –

**HARRY: **What team?

**OLIVER: **LOL! You're hilarious, you know that? Anyway, we don't have time for practice at the moment. Our first game is against Slytherin and –

**HARRY: **Game?

**OLIVER: **Ha! You and your jokes. And let me tell ya, those Slytherin are a mean bunch. See you then, Harry.

- Walks off.

**HARRY: **Wait – 'Mean bunch'? What do you mean 'Seeker'? WHAT'S QUIDDITCH!? ANYONE!?

- Hermione enters unexpectedly and surprisingly not reading Breaking Dawn.

**HERMIONE: **Hello, Harry.

**HARRY: **Finished your book, Hermione?

**HERMIONE: **Yep.

**HARRY: **How was it?

**HERMIONE: **Lovely. Although some parts have left me so bothered I just came here to make myself feel better.

**HARRY: **Feel…better? Oh shi- NO!

- Hermione kicks Harry in the crotch.

**HARRY: **MY FUTURE HEIRS!!

**HERMIONE: **Goodbye, Harry.

- Walks off.

**HARRY: **(Whimpering) Good…bye…Herm…

- Falls unconscious.

**AN: **Cookies for those who review! Or else I'll send the people who didn't get to kick Harry where the sun don't shine yet after you...KIDDING!

But seriously.


	13. It's a Tough Job

**AN: **_Don't wanna be an American Idiot!_ _Don't want a nation under the new mania...And can you hear the sound of..._hys_..._teria...

...Hi everyone! Sorry for the late update I got a little...distracted. By uh...the casting for Harry's stunt double! Yeah that's it!

Anyway, here is the next chapter!

**It's a Tough Job**

**RON: **A Seeker? But first years never make the team –

**HARRY: **OMG WHEN DID YOU GET HERE!!

**RON: **I think somewhere between the time of Hermione leaving and you passing out.

**HARRY: **Oh…help me up.

- Ron pulls Harry up off the floor.

**RON: **You still sore?

**HARRY: **No in fact, I feel pretty damn good after being kicked in the gonads by vampires, kids with wings, and half the school – OF COURSE I'M STILL SORE!!

**RON: **Oh…can you walk?

**HARRY: **I think I can.

- Takes a small step.

**HARRY: **I think I can. I think I can.

- Walks around more.

**HARRY: **I can walk! I can walk! I can –

- Falls down the stairs.

**HARRY: **WHY ME!!

**AN: **Cut! Bring in the stunt double and redo the scene!

- Stunt double enters.

**AN: **Aaaaaaaaand...

**RON: **Wait, know one told me that –

**AN: **ACTION!

**RON: **A Seeker? But first years never make the team! You must be the youngest Seeker in a century!

**HARRY: **Duuuuuuuude…That's what McGonagall said.

**RON: **Um…right.

- Fred and George enter.

**FRED: **Yo Harry!

**GEORGE: **Wazzap!

**FRED: **Boy, we heard da news that yos on the team.

**GEORGE: **Not bad for a white boy.

**RON: **Fred and George are on the team too. Beaters.

**GEORGE: **Well no duh, Bro.

**FRED: **Go play with yaw tinker toys while we men –

- Harry pulls out a rolled up piece of paper.

**FRED: **..._Talk_.

**HARRY: **Bummer.

- Throws doobie away.

**RON: **It's called lego.

**GEORGE: **Man, whatev.

**FRED: **Yeah…Whatever.

**GEORGE: **…

**FRED: **…Wanna go build lego models?

**GEORGE: **Oh for the love of –…Fine.

- Both leave.

**RON: **You're a God!

**HARRY: **Toooootallyyyyy…

**RON: **All hale King Harry! Hale his amazing Quidditch skills! Hale!

- Bows down.

**HERMIONE: **(Singing) Just keep reading, just keep reading, reading, reading –

- Trips over Ron.

**HERMIONE: **What the deuce!?

**RON: **Hale the beloved King Harry!

**HARRY: **Duuuuuude, this is soooooooo rad right now…!

- Wobbles over to Hermione.

**HARRY: **Wassup?

**HERMIONE: **Hi…Harry…?

- Harry pulls out a cigarette.

**HERMIONE: **…Do you like scented candles?

**HARRY: **Totally!

- Hermione starts glowing with sudden affection.

**RON: **MY EYES! TOO BRIGHT!!

**HERMIONE: **I just bought a batch of home décor today. Would you like to see them?

**HARRY: **Ya know, day-core is a reeeeeeaaaaally funny word…Why can't they just call it I dunno…Flippers or something?

**HERMIONE: **No one knows.

- Links arms with "Harry" and are about to skip off.

**RON: **Don't go!

**HERMIONE: **Sigh. Ron, I should have told you this earlier, but things aren't working out well between us.

**RON: **I don't give a shit. You still have to wait!

**HARRY: **For what?

**NEVILLE: **Hi everybody!

**HERMIONE: **_Him?_

**RON: **Em…sure.

**HERMIONE: **…Fine. But if he even – Neville, what are you doing!

- Harry is handing Neville a rolled up piece of paper.

**HARRY: **You just like…put it to your eating hole and, and, and…suck on it.

**NEVILLE: **You mean like this?

- Puts the end of paper in his mouth and takes a drag.

**HARRY: **Duuuuuuuuude, yer like a mother nature…

**NEVILLE: **(Cough) You mean natural?

**HARRY: **Man, whatev…er.

**HERMIONE: **Harry must be worried about being on the Quidditch team. His stick is still smoking.

**HARRY: **Naw my stick is…is in my pants, sister.

**HERMIONE: **…

**HARRY: **I wish I had six toes.

**RON: **Me too…

- Hermione smacks herself in the head.

**NEVILLE: **OMG THE SNORKLEWHACKER IS COMING!!

**HERMIONE: **The what?

**HARRY: **THE SNORKLEWHACKER!? LIKE…RUN FOR YAW LIVES!!

- Harry and Neville run away.

**HERMIONE: **What the hell is a snorklewhacker!?

**RON: **You heard them! RUN!!

- Runs after Neville and Harry.

**HERMIONE: **You're all high!

- Hears booming footsteps from behind.

**SNORKLEWHACKER: **'Sup?

**HERMIONE: **…O! M! F! G!

- Runs away.

**SNORKLEWHACKER: **What did I say?

**RON: **Quick! Open the dark and mysterious looking door and everyone run into the dark and mysterious looking corridor!

**NEVILLE: **Well aren't you subtle.

- Is shoved into the dark and mysterious corridor.

**HARRY: **We should be safe now.

**RON: **Like…from what?

**HARRY:**I...forgot.

- Hark! Booming footsteps are heard outside the door.

**RON: **OMG RUN! IT'S THE SNORKLEWHACKER!!

_**OUTSIDE THE DARK AND MYSTERIOUS CORRIDOR…**_

**MCGONAGALL: **Albus, what are you doing?

- Dumbledore continues to walk around with trashcan lids tied to his feet.

**DUMBLEDORE: **It's a game, Minerda –

**MCGONAGALL: **Minerva.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Whatever. It's a fun game that–

**SNORKLEWHACKER: **'Sup, Albus?

**MCGONAGALL: **0.0 !!

**DUMBLEDORE: **Not much, Bro. Wanna play a game with me?

**SNORKLEWHACKER: **Sure.

- Starts walking together.

**MCGONAGALL: **ALBUS!

**HARRY: **OMG there's like…two of them now!

- Hear's McGonagall's muffled screams.

**HARRY: **And they got Minerda!

**NEVILLE: **Minerva.

**HARRY: **Man, whatev.

**RON: **EVERYONE PANIC!!

- They panic.

**HARRY: **In here quick!

**HERMIONE: **Why?

**HARRY: **Just do it!

- They run into another room and close the door behind them.

**NEVILLE: **Wow it's dark.

**HERMIONE: **I know, it's almost as if – RON GET YOUR HAIRY HANDS OFF OF ME!!

**RON: **It was Scabbers!

**SCABBERS: **LIES! And I'm actually telling the truth this time!

**HERMIONE: **Well then who was groping me?

**HARRY: **Uh…duuuuuuudes…?

- Everyone looks up at a giant fury creature.

**MAMMOTH: **Err…Wasn't me.

**EVERONE: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!

- Runs out of the room.

**MAMMOTH: **Harsh.

- They enter the next room and close the door behind them.

**FLUFFY: **Zzzzzzzz…

**HERMIONE: **0.0' …Everyone. Remain. Calm –

**HARRY: **Aawww…wook at da wittle poochie! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy!

**FLUFFY: **Zzzzzz…– Huh?

**HARRY: **Ooooo! Poochie's a big boy now!

**HERMIONE: **W-we should go…_now_.

**HARRY: **Yer such a good boy you wittle poochie, you!

**FLUFFY'S 1****ST**** HEAD: **RAWR!!

**FLUFFY'S 2****ND**** HEAD: **WOOF!!

**FLUFFY'S 3****RD**** HEAD: **Mew!

**FLUFFY'S 2****ND**** HEAD: **Dude, wrong scene

**FLUFFY'S 3****RD**** HEAD: **Sorry. (Ahem) BARK!!

**EVERYONE ELSE: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

**RON: **MY BOWELS!!

**NEVILLE: **He said, wrong scene

**RON: **Oh. RUN!!

- And so they run.

**MCGONAGALL: **Albus, will you come over here? _Please._

**DUMBLEDORE: **And so, Mr. Snorklewhacker. My conclusion is that not only was it _he_ who stole the cookies form the cookie jar. But he also took my socks.

**SNORKLEWHACKER: **Indeed.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Hmm.

**SNORKLEWHACKER: **Yes.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Quite.

- McGonagall slaps herself in the face.

**NEVILLE: **I GOTTA SAVE DUMBLEDORE!!

- Runs in the opposite direction of the trio.

**HERMIONE: **Uh…okay.

**RON: **What're they doing locking up a thing like than in a school! Someone could get hurt.

- Gets hit in the head with a rubber chicken.

**HERMIONE: **It was guarding something, idiot.

**RON: **Guarding something?

**HARRY: **Duuuuuuude…it's like…a government conspiracy…! Or sometin' with pie.

**RON AND HERMIONE: **…

**HARRY: **(Cough) You guys look peeeeerrrrrtty with those colours messin' you up and all, ya know?

**HERMIONE: **Harry…Give. Me. Your stash.

**HARRY: **Aaaawwww…wwwwwwwhhhhhhyyyy…?

**RON: **We're cutting you off.

- Stunt double Harry is suddenly serious.

**HARRY: **You can't!

**HERMIONE: **We have to, "Harry".

**HARRY: **N-no…It's all good. See? (Cough) I'm as healthy as a horse!

**HORSE: **I have lime disease.

**HARRY: **Well F--.

**RON: **Grab him!

- Ron and Hermione tackle Harry to the ground.

**HARRY: **I swear it's not what you think it is!

**RON: **Give it up, "Harry"!

**HARRY: **SOMEONE PUT A 'G' IN MY VANILLA VODKA THIS MORNING I SWEAR!

**HERMIONE: **GET THE STRAIGHT JACKET!

**HARRY: **I WAS SO SCARED I WOKE UP NAKED IN A KING SIZED BED WITH FOUR CHICKS AND A PIT-BULL NAMED PRINCE!!

**HERMIONE: **That's it! Take him away, boys.

- Stunt double Harry is being dragged away in a straight jacket by two burly men.

**HARRY: **BUT I'M HARRY POTTER!!

**HERMIONE: **(Pant, pant) What was he taking?

- Ron gives Hermione a bag of Stunt double Harry's stuff. Hermione takes a look.

**HERMIONE: **_Catnip?_ All that because of CATNIP?!

**RON: **He's eleven, Herman –

**HERMIONE: **Hermione.

**RON: **Whatever. He's eleven, what were you expecting, illegal drugs?

**HERMIONE: **(Twitch, twitch) …Of course not.

**RON: **Well good (Cough) Cuz I always thought that…that you were kinda a hott. An' if you went all psycho on me an' go out with a Snorklewhacker (Cough) …I would get curve stomped by a Lebanese gang.

- Takes another drag of catnip.

**RON: **Yow it's green in here. Sooooooooo greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen…Hermeeonee, I wanna marry youuuuuuuu…Hermeeonee? Hermie…? Where are ya?

_**OUTSIDE IN THE CORRIDORS…**_

**HERMIONE: **…And then after he was dragged away, it turned out he was smoking catnip all that time!!

- Screams in frustration.

**DUMBLEDORE: **There, there, girly. Maybe he was a little tense and wanted to cool down. It's a big role, you know.

**SNORKLEWHACKER: **It really is. How would you feel if you were Harry's stunt double?

**MCGONAGALL: **YOU'RE ALL HIGH!!

**AN: **Just say no to drugs, kids. That's right. No. Nope. Nada. Nay. Zip. Nopedy-nope. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Unless they pay you.

KIDDING!! REVIEW PEOPLE!!


	14. Just Shut Up

**AN: **Sorry I took so long...AGAIN! But I have a good explanation this time. If you would just click on my username and look at the stories on my profile...Maximum Ride fans beware. But yeah, I had a really funny brain blast the other day and...

I felt pretty.

Well here's chapter 13 - OMG THAT'S A SCARY NUMBER!! Oh well.

**Just Shut Up**

**HERMIONE: **Ron! Oh Ron why are you running away from me? I'm sorry I left you the other day–

**RON: **BACK OFF, WOMAN!

**HERMIONE:** Whu? Huh? Whu? What did I do?

**RON: **You know exactly what you did!

**HERMIONE: **Uh, no I don't.

**RON: **STOP BEING IGNORANT!

- Runs away

**HERMIONE: **??

**NEVILLE: **Me thinks he don't like you today.

**HERMIONE: **Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo _really_?

- Stomps off to her next class.

_**HER NEXT CLASS…**_

**RON:** And then we were like, "RUN AWAY FROM THE SNORKLEWHACKER" And then we ran and then we decided to hide in this room and then it turned out there was a mammoth inside and then we were like "RUN AWAY FORM THE MAMMOTH"!

**HARRY: **Oh my bludgers…Why did I come back?

**NEVILLE: **Because nobody cares about your health right now ever since it turned out that your stunt double was high.

**HARRY: **Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo _really_?

**NEVILLE: **I hate you all.

**HARRY:** Cry me a river, emo boy. I have bigger problems at the moment.

**FLITWICK: **Y'all shuttup and sit down!

**HARRY:** OMG Hahahahaha! He's so short!

**FLITWICK: **Mr. Potter could you please sit down?

**HARRY: **He talks too! Lol the little thing can speak like a big person!

**FLITWICK: **Mr. Potter!

**HARRY: **Where's the teacher? He has to see this! Lol

**FLITWICK: **Now that's just degrading.

**HARRY: **Hey shorty!

- Grabs Flitwick's wand.

**FLITWICK: **Hey!

**HARRY: **Let's see you reach this! Hahaha!

**NEVILLE: **OMG he's so short!

**EVERYONE: **Shut up Neville!

**NEVILLE: **I CAN'T HELP IT IF I FEEL PRETTY!

**EVERYONE: ...**

**NEVILLE: **That's right. I feel pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaaaaaay! And I pity any girl that isn't me todaaaaaaaaaaay!

**FLITWICK: **………Give me back my wand!

**HERMIONE: **I thought wizards always had their wands secured within their robes.

**HARRY: **That's right. And we whip it whenever we're about to 'divide and conquer'.

**FLITWICK: **Give me back my wand!

**HARRY: **Not until my teacher comes here!

**FLITWICK: **I AM YOUR TEACHER YOU IDIOT!

**HARRY: **……Oh.

- Gives back wand.

**HARRY: **I'll just…sit down now.

**FLITWICK: **You do that.

- Harry sits down.

**FLITWICK: **Now if I have everyone's attention…let's make stuff fly today!

**STUDENTS: **Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

**FLITWICK: **Yes, yes, we all know that making things float is 'rat' these days.

**HERMIONE: **…You mean rad?

**FLITWICK: **Whatever. Pick up your wand everyone.

- Everyone picks up their wand.

**FLITWICK: **Your _other_ wand, Mr. Weasley.

**RON: **Oh.

- Pulls his hand out of his pants.

**HARRY: **Straight up! Whooooo!

**HERMIONE: **…What?

**FLITWICK: **Ignore him. Now the words needed for this spell is –

**RON: **Abracadabra!

**FLITWICK: **Em…no. The words are –

**NEVILLE: **Hocus Pocus!

**FLITWICK: **No. It's –

**HERMIONE: **Bippity-boppity-boo!

**FLITWICK: **No!

**HARRY: **Oh I know! I know what it is!

**FLITWICK: **I'm really not interested –

**HARRY: **AVEDA KEDAVRA!

**NEVILLE: **I KNEW IT!!

**HERMIONE: **You're all idiots! I know what the words are! (Ahem) _Oatyflay Ingthay!_

**FLITWICK: **Miss Granger, that is definitely not the words used to…to…

- Feather flies around the classroom.

**FLITWICK: **What. The. (Censored).

- More feathers start flying.

**HARRY: **Where are all these feathers coming from?

- Hedwig is in the corner of the room half naked.

**HEDWIG: **Sure, pay no attention to me. I'm just the dumb bird that is going to FREEZE TO DEATH!

**HARRY: **……

**HERMIONE: **I'm so smart.

**RON: **Bitch.

**FLITWICK: **That's it. I quit!

- Leaves

**HARRY: **Adios, shorty!

**FLITWICK: **_Crucio!_

- Harry curls up into a little ball on the floor.

**HARRY: **PAIN!!

**RON: **Hey there's no teacher.

**HARRY: **No duh.

**RON: **Which means we have no class!

**HERMIONE: **Yay!

**RON: **Stop trying to fit in, Hermione. Gawd!

**HERMIONE: **D:

- Runs away.

**HARRY: **You jerk.

**RON: **What? What did I say?

**HARRY: **I'm not talking to you.

**RON: **But I–

**HARRY: **Don't want to hear it.

**RON: **But–

**HARRY: **Nope.

- Walks away.

**RON: **Harry wait up!

- Runs after him. They both run to the Great Hall.

**HARRY AND RON: **Oh…My…Gawd.

**DUMBLEDORE: **HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE! Now enjoy eating all this candy for supper!

**STUDENTS: **CANDY!!

**MCGONAGALL: **Albus, are you sure it's a good idea to get eleven year olds so much sugar?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Of course. Why would you think otherwise?

**SEAMUS: **OMG I'M ON A SUGAR HIGH EVERYTHING IS SOOOOOOOOOOO BRIGHTANDSHAKYANDWHYISEVERYTHINGSOSHAKYSTOPMOVINGNEVILLEYOURGIVINGMEAHEADACHELET'SSTAYUPALLNIGHTANDEATHMORECANDY!!

**DUMBLEDORE: **Aside from that I meant.

**HAGRID: **OMGTHISCANDYISSOFANTASTICIJUSTWANNAEATALLOFITTOTHELASTPIECEILOVECANDYEVERYONELOVESCANDYBUTILOVEITTHEMOSTWHYISEVERYTHINGSOWOBBLYI'MGONNASTAYUPALLNIGHTANDRACEAROUNDTHESCHOOLBECAUSEI'VEGOTALLTHISCANDY!!1!

**DUMBLEDORE:** …Oh well.

**HARRY: **Hey where's Hermione?

**RON: **I ain't taking to the stuck up nerd anymore.

**HARRY: **I wasn't talking to you.

**RON: **Oh...well then...

**NEVILLE: **Didn't you guys hear? She's in the bathroom crying?

**HARRY: **…Are you sure she's just not throwing up again?

**NEVILLE: **Not unless the vomit is coming out of her eyes.

**HARRY: **Ew.

**RANDOM STUDENT: **OMG THERE'S A TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!!

**EVERYONE: **……

**RANDOM STUDENT: **EVERYONE PANIC!!

**EVERYONE: **OMFG!!

- Everyone starts running around.

**NEVILLE: **It's a good book!

- Holds up Math text book.

**NEVILLE: **It's a good book!

- The Ravenclaw table is set on fire.

**PERCY: **Think of the children!

**FRED: **Hold me closer, George.

**GEORGE: **No!

- Pushes Fred away.

**DUMBLEDORE: **SILENCE!!

- Clap of thunder

**DUMBLEDORE: **Silence! For I am GOD!!

- Get's whacked in the head with a rubber chicken.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Just…Just go.

**PERCY: **Gryffindor follow me!

**PREFECT: **Slytherin this way!

**OTHER PREFECT: **Hufflepuff!

**YET ANOTHER PREFECT: **Ravenclaw follow me please…and put out that fire!

**RON: **Whu? Huh? Whu? Which way do we go?

**NEVILLE: **Well considering that we are in Gryffindor, I figure that we follow –

**EVERYONE: **SHUT UP NEVILLE!

**RON: **Harry, who do we follow?

**HARRY: **There's no time for that, Ron, we got to save Hermione?

**RON: **Got to save…what? Since when was she involved.

**HARRY: **Ron, I know your scared.

**RON: **No I'm not.

**HARRY: **Yes you are. You're scared but it's okay…because I'm here for you.

**RON: **O…kay…

**HARRY: **Good. Now let's go rescue Hermione!

_**IN THE GIRL'S BATHROOM…**_

- Hermione steps out of the bathroom stall.

**HERMIONE: **Man I hate crying. I'd much prefer throwing up.

**READERS: **……

**HERMIONE: **Oh come one, like none of you never considered me to be bulimic!

**READERS: **Yeah…

- Hermione is about to leave.

**HARRY: **DON'T WORRY HERMIONE!!

**HERMIONE: **What?

**HARRY: **WE'LL SAVE YOU!!

- Picks Hermione up.

**HERMIONE: **What the hell is he talking about?

**RON: **How should I know?

**HARRY: **YOU'RE SAFE NOW! BUT WE MUST HURRY BEFORE THE TROLL COMES AND–

- "Bump."

**HARRY: **…Bump?

- They all look up at the Troll they just ran into.

**TROLL: **Yo.

**HARRY RON AND HERMIONE: **Oh shiitake mushroom sauce…

**TROLL: **Do you like Pokémon?

**HARRY: **RUN!

- They run.

**TROLL: **Wait up!

**RON: **It's running after us!

**HARRY: **Wait, I know what to do!

**HERMIONE: **Billy, don't be a hero!

**HARRY: **……

**TROLL: **……

**READERS: **……

**HERMIONE: **I mean…kick the snot out of that troll, Harry!

**RON: **Yeah!

**HARRY: **Oh I'm not gonna kick the snot out of him…I'm gonna PICK the snot out of him!

- Pulls out wand.

**HARRY: **Do you mind coming down for a moment so I can reach your nose?

- Troll pauses then knocks Harry aside.

**HERMIONE: **Well…so much for that idea.

**RON: **I know just what to do!

- Pulls out wand.

**RON: **Ahem…_Ewscray ouyay olltray!_

**TROLL: **?

- Suddenly flies up through the ceiling and away.

**RON: **Cool.

**HERMIONE: **Sweet.

**HARRY: **Zzzz…

- McGonagall and Snape arrive.

**MCGONAGALL: **WTF!

**HARRY: **Hi Minerva!

**MCGONAGALL: **What the hell are you doing!?

**HERMIONE: **OMG Professor it was amazing! I was like cryin' and then came out and the boys were like, "We'll save you!" But I didn't know what was up until we all saw the big ugly troll and then they were being all heroic and pwned his sorry butt and blasted him out of here!

**RON:** :)

**HARRY: **;)

**MCGONAGALL: **What? Troll? I just wanted to know what two boys were doing here in the girl's bathroom…with a girl.

**HARRY: **Ew…

**SNAPE: **What are you waiting for, Minerva? Punish them this instant!

**MCGONAGALL: **Shove it, Severus. These kids didn't do anything wrong. They're heroes in fact!

**HARRY AND RON: **Sweet!

**MCGONAGALL: **Here,

- Pulls out her purse

**MCGONAGALL: **Have a gumdrop.

**RON: **Awesome!

**HARRY: **WTF that's not fair! I demand cash. Or chicks. Either one in large and sexy qualities –

**EVERYONE: **Shut up, Neville –

**HARRY: **Harry.

**EVERYONE: **Whatever.

**MCGONAGALL: **Yeesh. Some day this has been. I think it's time to go to bed don't you?

**RON: **Actually –

**MCGONAGALL: **Well come on, I bet your all tired. To bed, all of you.

- They turn around to leave.

**MCGONAGALL: **Oh and Snape, I suppose you won't mind cleaning up all this crap.

**SNAPE: **(Twitch) Not at all… (Twitch, twitch)

- They leave, letting Snape prepare to clean up the girl's room. He was about to do so, not realizing that a large shadow was slowly appearing on the floor bellow him.

**SNAPE: **Shadow? From what? ...Ohhhhhh crap.

- And the troll falls on top of him.

**AN: **...And that's why god made the internet. Okay so that's not the reason but it's close enough. I DEMAND REVIEWS! OR MONEY! WHICH EVER ONE IN LARGE AND GLORIOUS QUANTITIES -

**AN: **Shuttup, Grimly.

**AN: **You can't tell me to shut up. You're me!

**AN:** Well then I told myself to shut up so shut up!

**AN: **No you shut up!

**AN: **No you!

**AN: **You!

**AN: **You!

**AN: **You -

- Gets whacked in the head with a rubber chicken.

**AN: **...I still expect reviews.


	15. You Don't Wanna Know

**AN: **GUESS WHO! I finally have this up. Sorry for the longest delay on the planet. It is very weird typing this while watching _Westside Story_ I wouldn't recommend it cuz you could get dearly confused.

**You Don't Wanna Know**

**RON: **Come on, Harry, eat up.

**HERMIONE: **Ron's right, Harry. You'll need your strength for today.

**HARRY: **I'm not hungry.

**RON: **I said EAT IT!

- Shoves Harry's head into a bowl of oatmeal.

**RON: **EAT IT DAMN YOU!

**SNAPE: **Good morning, children.

- Ron pauses.

**RON: **Did…did he just talk to us?

**HARRY: **I think he did.

**HERMIONE: **And without being sarcastic or mean!

**SNAPE: **Good luck with your first came, Potter –

**RON: **Why are you being so nice??

**SNAPE: **…Even if it is against _Slytherin._

**HARRY: **Gulp.

**SNAPE: **You just got served!

- Leaves

**HARRY: **Okay. I am _sooo_ dead.

**RON: **Alright, Chandler.

**HARRY: **…

**HERMIONE: **Just suck it up. It's not like their going to kill you.

**SLYTHERIN TABLE: **Potter, you are DEAD!

**HARRY: **Why does everyone hate me so?

**HEDWIG: **Yo!

- Flies over and drops a giant parcel.

**HARRY: **I got it! I got it!

- Stands up in time for the parcel to hit him in the head.

**HARRY: **Ow! What the hell is this?

**HERMIONE: **Hmm. It's large, it's long, it's smooth, you can hold it easily…I bet it's –

**HARRY: **Don't. You. Dare.

**RON: **I'm clueless,

**HARRY: **As usual.

**RON: **Let's dramatically rip it open!

- Rips it open.

**HERMIONE AND RON: **Oh. My. Gawd!

**HARRY: **Why the hell would somebody send me a broom?

**HERMIONE: **Uh, Harry?

**HARRY: **What am I going to do, sweep the corridors all day??

**HERMIONE: **Harry.

**HARRY: **But I'm just being harsh. What I really wanted was a VACUUM CLEANER!

**HERMIONE AND RON: **Harry.

**HARRY: **And how is this supposed to help me when I'm about to play Quidditch? Huh?

**HERMIONE AND RON: **Harry-

**HARRY: **I tell ya, whoever sent me this is an honest jerk-

**EVERYONE: **HARRY!

**HARRY: **WHAT!?

**HERMIONE: **It's a _broomstick._

**HARRY: **So?

**EVERYONE: **…………

**HARRY: **…Oh…OH! Why didn't you say so?

**HERMIONE: **Sigh.

**RON: **Who would ever give you a Nimbus 2000?

**HARRY: **You mean they made one thousand, nine hundred, and ninety-nine other brooms before this one? Holy crap!

**RON: **…

**HARRY: **But who do you think would send it to me?

**MCGONAGALL: **Yo!

_**AND NOW THE GAME…**_

**OLIVER: **Nervous, Harry?

**HARRY: **A little…

**OLIVER: **Yeah I was just like you at my first game.

**HARRY: **Were you a famous eleven years old inexperienced with anything that had the word 'magic' in it?

**OLIVER: **Uh, no.

**HARRY: **Than you were nothing like me at your first game so STFU.

**- **They all mount their brooms and fly off into the stadium…except for Katie who fell to the ground the second she jumped into the air.

**OLIVER: **Damnit Katie, you were supposed to get a broomstick, not a _Roomba_!

**KATIE: **But it's just so cute!

**ROOMBA: **Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

- Bumps into wall then moves around it.

**EVERYONE: **Awwww….

**KATIE: **Exactly!

**OLIVER: **………Can we start the game now?

**HOOCH: **Fine.

- Blows whistle.

**COMMENTATOR: **And the game begins! Johnson takes the quaffle and flies over to the Slytherin side of the court. She passes to Bell. Bell passes it back and…Douche snatches it away! Douche flies away and throws it over to Faggot and they're flying side by side over to Wood.

**SNAPE: **Douche? Faggot? Those are not their names! Minerva, tell the speaker to use their real names.

**MCGONAGALL: **He _is_ using their real names, Snape.

**SNAPE: **What! That can't be!

- Checks list of Slytherin students.

**SNAPE: **...Leslie Douche and Herman Faggot?

**MCGONAGALL: **Told you.

**SNAPE: **Oh whatever.

**SLYTHERIN FIRST YEAR: **Yay Douche!

- Snape knocks him on the head with his list of students.

**COMMENTATOR: **Faggot throws the ball and…Wood blocks it! What a good _morning_ for_ Wood_! Get it? Morning? Wood? Come on, you can't say that isn't a good joke!

**OLIVER: **I don't get it.

**COMMENTATOR: **…….

**HARRY: **Uh, peoples? I still don't know what to do! Someone tell me already!

**EVERYONE: **Catch the Snitch, Harry!

**HARRY: **What the hell is a Snitch?

**OLIVER: **It's a flying ball.

- Harry sees something fly by.

**HARRY: **I see it!

- Flies after it.

**OLIVER: **NO! THAT'S THE –

- Flying ball turns back and hits Harry in the face.

**OLIVER: **…Bludger.

**HARRY: **I'm okay!

**FRED: **Dude, yo' nose is bleeding.

**HARRY: **So?

**GEORGE: **An' yaw arm is-a broke.

**HARRY: **I'm still okay!

**COMMENTATOR: **OMG the Slytherin Seeker is HUGE!

**FRED: **…Still okay?

**HARRY: **Of course I am! Heh, heh, heh…heh…'0.0

- Flies after Seeker.

**SLYTHERIN SEEKER: **WTF are you flying at me for?

**HARRY: **Oh sorry I was um…confused.

- Flies after snitch.

**SNITCH: **Just keep flying. Just keep flying, flying, flying –

**HARRY: **GET OVER HERE!

**SNITCH: **EEEEEEEEK!

- Flies faster.

**COMMENTATOR: **Potter and the anonymous Slytherin Seeker are both after the Snitch. They dip, doge and dive for it. They dip again. Another dip! Then dive. Then a dodge. Then diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii–

- Gets whacked in the head with a rubber chicken.

**COMMENTATOR: **Sorry…OMG WHAT THE HACK IS HARRY DOING!!

- Harry is currently standing balanced in his broom doing the moonwalk.

**EVERYONE: **………

**HARRY: **I can't help it! Something's wrong with me!

**HAGRID: **He looks like any idiot.

**RON: **I think he looks awesome!

- Starts doing the moonwalk as well.

**HERMIONE: **Snape is jinxing the broom!

**RON: **Jinxing the broom?! Harry is doomed!

**HERMIONE: **Hey, you're a poet and you didn't know it.

**RON: **Well, I try to do my best,

**HERMIONE: **I was being sarcastic, idiot. Now stay here while I do something to help Harry.

- Runs off.

**RON: **What do you think she'll do?

**HAGRID: **Well considering that it's Hermione, it's either something brilliant or inappropriate.

- Hermione runs up to where all the teachers are sitting.

**SNAPE: **Albus, I don't think now is the time to do your re-enactment of _Swan Lake_.

**DUMBLEDORE: **_Swan Lake_? I'm doing a scene from _Romeo and Juliet_?

**SNAPE: **Then why are you wearing a tutu?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Skirt. I'm Juliet.

- Hermione covers his eyes from behind.

**HERMIONE: **Guess whooooooo!

**ANONYMOUS TEACHER: **I'm not Snape!

**HERMIONE: **Oh, sorry.

- Covers Snape's eyes instead.

**SNAPE: **WTF?

**HARRY: **Odd. I suddenly feel like flying toward the Snitch instead of doing the moonwalk.

**EVERYONE: **Then DO IT!

- Harry mounts his broom and flies off.

**SNAPE: **Hagrid I told you to stop sneaking up from behind me!

**HERMIONE: **Err, I'm not Hagrid.

**SNAPE: **Oh? Then why do you have such hideously large hands with hairy knuckles and palms that smell like sushi?

**HERMIONE: **…

**HARRY: **Come to me little Snitch!

**SNITCH: **NEVAH!

- Flies faster. Harry follows close behind.

**HARRY: **I'll kill you if you don't obey me!

**SNITCH: **You'll have to catch me first.

**HARRY: **GET IN MAH BELLEH!!

**SNITCH: **...What?

_**GULP!**_

**HAGRID: **Gasp!

**MCGONAGALL: **GASP!

**RON: **Fish eggs!

**HERMIONE: **Bye-bye!

- Leaves Snape

**SNAPE: **What's going on?

**HARRY: **Ugh! That's not tasty at all.

**COMMENTATOR: **Harry ate the Snitch!

**OLIVER: **So…does that mean we win?

**HOOCH: **I…I don't know.

**HARRY: **I can feel it moving inside me.

**MCGONAGALL: **SPIT IT OUT BOY!

**HAGRID: **Yeah!

- Ron runs over to Harry.

**RON: **I'LL GET IT!

- Shoves his hand down Harry's throat.

**HERMIONE: **No! Get his stomach pumped instead!

**HARRY: **NO NOT THIS TIME!

- Runs away.

**RON: **Great. Now what do we do?

**MCGONAGALL: **We'll wait.

**OLIVER: **But we didn't get the Snitch back yet.

**MCGONAGALL: **Oh you'll get it back…

_**LATER THAT DAY…**_

**HARRY: **I GOT IT! I GOT THE SNITCH!

**OLIVER: **What?

**HARRY: **I have the Snitch right here!

- Gives Snitch to Oliver.

**OLIVER: **That's great, Harry it really is…but why did you put it in a plastic baggy?

**HARRY: **Well uh…funny thing about that…

**OLIVER: **...Sick.

**COMMENTATOR: **GRYFFINDOR WINS!!

**AN: **And that's how the cookie crumbles.


	16. What?

**AN: **Happy Thanksgiving, Canada! Sorry for being so late guys. Some of you out there are shouting, "WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?" Seriously I can hear you guys from the UK. I now need a hearing aid. Any the reason it took so long was because of volleyball (Iz play Rightside!) and 4-H (Secretary!) and I'm thinking of starting an environmental club at school but I need a whole whack of info before getting started and being called a tree hugger. Not to mention my school library FINALLY got a copy of the Final Warning and I was a little absorbed with that for a while.

Anyway about this chapter...it's a little political. Just a little. Canadian politics. So for people from the U.S., U.K., Bombai, India, Mexico, and Egypt, there's a link on my profile to answer the question, "_What?" _AND SO IT BEGINS...

**...What?**

**HAGRID: **Nonsense! Why would Snape try ta harm Harry?

**HARRY: **Hagrid? We asked you what the essence of a frog's wart was.

**HAGRID: **Oh. Right.

**HARRY: **…So what's this about Snape harming me?

**RON: **Oh Harry, don't tell me! Snape took advantage of you didn't he? DIDN'T HE!?

**HARRY: **Uh…no.

**HERMIONE: **Snape wasn't blinking. He _had_ to have been jinxing Harry.

**HAGRID: **Maybeh he just put in 'is eye drops.

**HERMIONE: **Impossible!

**HARRY: **We also think he was trying to sneak past that mammoth –

**HAGRID: **Three headed dog.

**HARRY: **Whatever. On Halloween and used that troll as a distraction.

**RON: **Yeah! And that snorklewhacker was his bodyguard so that nobody could go after him but then it met Dumbledore and –

**HARRY: **Shuttup.

**HAGRID: **Well I can tell yeh that Snape was doin' nothing wrong, no sir! He was probably just trying to give Fluffy a bath or something.

**HARRY: **Wait…_Fluffy_? Come on, Hagrid at least try to give an original name for once!

**RON: **My Auntie has a cat named Fluffy. At Christmas it ate my socks and barfed on the tree.

**HAGRID HARRY AND HERMIONE: **……

**HAGRID: **Right…anyway, even if someone tried to get passed dat dog, no one can get passed it except for me, Dumbledore, and Stephane Dion.

**HERMIONE: **Stephane Dion? That guy as less spine than Earth worm!

**HARRY AND RON: **Buuuuurn!

**HAGRID: **I shouldn't have said dat…I really shouldn't have said dat…

- Starts walking away muttering to himself.

**HAGRID: **Bad, Hagrid! Now Stephane is gonna kill ya just like he did for the muffin man…

**HERMIONE: **……

**HARRY: **Stephane Dion killed the muffin man?

**HERMIONE: **Okay so maybe he as a _little_ more spine than an Earth worm…

_**MUCH, MUCH LATER…**_

**RON: **Yay Christmas!

**HARRY: **What? Christmas? Since when! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME!?

**HERMIONE: **You didn't ask.

**HARRY: **Well f--.

**HERMIONE: **Yep. And now I must suddenly leave you both as I will be going to an unknown location for the holidays which I will not tell you of. Ta-ta!

**HARRY: **No! Don't leave me with _him_!

**RON: **Look! I can make a stickman!

o

/\

I

/ \

**RON: **It looks better on Microsoft.

**HARRY: **I beg of you!

**HERMIONE: **Happy holidays!

- Runs away…Runs back

**HERMIONE: **Oh and could you look in the library and try to find something about leg waxing for me? Kay thx bye!

- Runs away again.

**HARRY: **Nooooooooooooooooo!

**RON: **(To the tune of Jingle bells)_Flying on a broooooom…looking at the snoooooow…far past Hagrid's huuuuut…to Hogwarts School we goooo!_

- Harry starts to barricade himself in the dorm rooms.

**HARRY: **I'm not coming out until the end of the school year and that's final!

**RON: **HARRY WAKE UP!

**HARRY: **Why?

**RON: **PRESENTS!

**HARRY: **I've got presents?!

**RON: **Uh…no.

- Attempts to hide Harry's presents behind the tree.

**HARRY: **PRESENTS!

- Shoves Ron away.

**HARRY: **Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

- Rips wrapping paper off of first gift.

**HARRY: **It's a…it's sweater!

**RON: **Jumper. Actually. And it's from my Mom!

**HARRY: **Okay…did she give you one as well?

**RON: **Of course not silly! My Mom said I'm too special for jumpers so every Christmas, she gives me this,

- Holds up present.

**HARRY: **…That's a _Cosmo Girl_ magazine!

**RON: **I know isn't it cool?

**HARRY: **……I'm going to open more presents.

- Rips open another present.

**HARRY: **Oooh silky soft!

**RON: **Oh em gee…

**HARRY: **It's a cool cloak. I'm going to try it on!

- Puts on cloak.

**RON: **OH EM GEE!

**HARRY: **What? What happened?

**RON: **Harry…You're not Harry anymore!

**HARRY: **_What?_

- Looks down to see that his body isn't there anymore.

**HARRY: **HOLY SHIT!

**RON: **HOLY SHIT!

**HARRY: **WHERE DID I GO!?

**RON: **WHERE DID YOU GO!?

**HARRY: **STOP REPEATING ME!

**RON: **STOP REPEAT - …Oh. Sorry.

**HARRY: **Where the hell did I go?

**RON: **I know it's like you turned –

**HARRY: **It's like I…like I…what's the word?

**RON: **It's like you're –

**HARRY: **It's like I'm…Unseen? Hidden? Out of sight?

**RON: **No you're –

**HARRY: **I know it starts with an "I". Imperceptible? Indiscernible? Indistinguishable?

**RON: **YOU –

**HARRY: **I need a thesaurus.

**RON: **INVISIBLE!!

**HARRY: **Pardon?

**RON: **You're invisible!

**HARRY: **Oh…AWESOME!

- Ron picks up card

**RON: **It doesn't say who it's from.

**HARRY: **Who cares??

**RON: **What if it has a tracking device in it or a time bomb or some poison gas trigger-thinga-majig or worse?

**HARRY: **…So?

**RON: **Sigh…

**HARRY: **I know just what to do with this!

_**LATER THAT NIGHT…**_

**HARRY: **This is totally awesome! I was right to sneak into the Hufflepuff Girl's dormitories!

**FRIVOLOUS GIRL: **Gosh I just love how there are no boys in here!

**SLUTTY GIRL: **I know! It's like we get to do whatever we want with just girls around!

**HILTON LOOK-ALIKE: **That's hot!

**HARRY: **Speaking of hot…

**SLUTTY GIRL: **Hey who loves to play Monopoly??

**EVERYONE: **I DO!

**HARRY: **…

**FRIVOLOUS GIRL: **Dibs on the wheel barrow!

**HILTON LOOK-ALIKE: **I wanna be the wheel barrow!

**FRIVOLOUS GIRL: **There's always the race car.

**HILTON LOOK-ALIKE: **Oh! That's hot!

**HARRY: **What. The. Hell…

**HILTON LOOK-ALIKE: **Did anyone read that one page in _Cosmo Girl_ the other day?

**FRIVOLOUS GIRL: **Like, the one with the poems? Totally!

**HILTON LOOK-ALIKE: **It is like, _so_ good!

**FRIVOLOUS GIRL: **I know, right?

**SLUTTY GIRL: **I think I want to become a nun…

**HARRY: **OH MY GOD!! YOU GIRLS ARE SO PRUDISH AND BORING!

- All the girls stare at Harry as he stomps out of the dormitories.

**SLUTTY GIRL: **…That was weird.

**FRIVOLOUS GIRL: **Wanna make out?

**SLUTTY GIRL: **Okay.

**HILTON LOOK-ALIKE: **PILLOW FIGHT IN OUR UNDIES!

**GIRLS: **YAY!

_**IN THE HALLWAY…**_

**HARRY: **That sucked worse than eating the Golden Snitch! I'm so mad I'm going to sulk in the library while looking for that book Hermione wanted me to find about leg waxing which sounds really gross and painful to me but she wanted me to look for it when I obviously don't want to but I am so bored right now and so mad at those prudish Hufflepuff girls I'm just going to do it anyways!

- Sulks his way to the library.

**HARRY: **Now let's see what they have on leg waxing…

- Picks up a random book.

**HARRY: **This seems promising.

**BOOK: **AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!!

- Harry slams book shut.

**HARRY: **Nope. Maybe this one…What the –?

- Harry has picked up a copy of _Playboy_ Magazine.

**HARRY: **I wonder what would happen if I opened…

- Opens magazine.

**MAGAZINE: **_I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny when a girl walks in with any itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get – _

**FINCH: **Who's there?!

- Harry drops magazine and runs.

**FINCH: **Come out, come out wherever you are…

**HARRY: **Creeper.

- Harry runs farther away. He passes Ron while running.

**RON: **_On the eighth day of Christmas my good friend gave to me…Eight golden snitches, seven Cosmo magazines, six talking snakes – FIIIIIIIVE BAGS OF CATNIIIIIIIIIP!!_

**HARRY: **Freak.

**RON: **What? Who said that?

**HARRY: **Oh shit.

- Hides behind corner.

**SNAPE: **Do you have the stuff?

**HARRY: **What?

**STRANGER IN THE DARK: **Yeah I got the stuff…do you have the stuff?

**SNAPE: **Yep.

- Shows bag of moolah.

**SNAPE: **Are you sure it's…pure?

**STRANGER IN THE DARK: **As pure as it gets.

**SNAPE: **Excellent.

**HARRY: **Oh my gee! Snape is dealing crack!

**STRANGER IN THE DARK: **Well here ya go.

**SNAPE: **Wait, how do I know it's really the stuff?

**STRANGER IN THE DARK: **You just do. Now give me my money! I have a plane to catch.

**SNAPE: **But what if your lying.

**STRANGER IN THE DARK: **Oh not this again...

**SNAPE: **Yes this _again! _I have been tricked before you know.

**STRANGER IN DARK: **Yes I know, you told me over the phone.

**SNAPE: **Did I tell you about when -

**STRANGER IN THE DARK: **Seven times!

**HARRY: **OMG this is almost as bad as Ron's singing.

**RON: **_Silent night...holy night...all is calm..._

- Rubber chicken hits Ron in the head.

**RON: **_Fuck you all..._

**SNAPE: **I just want to check first…just in case.

**STRANGER IN THE DARK: **Fine.

**HARRY: **Finally!

- Opens brief case to show that it is stuffed with Hello Kitty merchandise.

**HARRY: **...What?

**SNAPE: **Excellent. You may take your money now, Stephane.

**HARRY: **_What!_

**AN: **Again: link on profile for whoever is wondering who Stephane Dion is. And no, I do not know why British eleven year olds would know anything about Canadian politics.


	17. Insert Girly Scream Here

**AN: **Greetings from the pink fairy princess of Mars AKA: me. Hehe...eh...Sorry guys! Again. But it takes alot of inspiration to write spoofs. Consider this a Halloween treat for now. (And yes I am dressed as a pink fairy right now)

**Insert Girly Screams Here**

**SNAPE: **…Mister Dion?

**STEPHANE DION: **Yes?

**SNAPE: **You've been standing there for the past three weeks. You have your money so _leave_.

**STEPHANE DION: **Don't you watch the news? I have no where else to go since the Conservatives won –

**SNAPE: **Just go already!

**STEPHANE DION: **Fine.

- Leaves

**SNAPE: **Finally! Now I can grab at the air in a suspenseful manner without any interruptions.

**HARRY: **Oh. Shit.

- Snape starts waving his hands around.

**SNAPE: **Nya! Nya! Nya!

**HARRY: **I gotta get out of here!

- Runs away into a random empty room with a mirror.

**HARRY: **…A mirror. How original. This must be the most suspenseful scene in the book.

**MIRROR: **Oh but it is.

**HARRY: **HOLY SHIT IT TALKED!

**AN: **It's not supposed to…

- Flips through script.

**AN: **Yeah it can't talk.

**MIRROR: **…

**HARRY: **…I think it froze up from shock.

**MIRROR: **…

**AN: **Whatever. Move along!

**HARRY: **Hark! A large dusty mirror in an empty room? What mysterious wonder must this hold?

**MIRROR: **You're overdoing it.

**HARRY: **Ignoring that. Now I must step forward to the mysterious dusty mirror and see what wonder it must behold!

- Steps forward.

**HARRY: **Well I look pretty damn good if I must say so myself.

- Turns around slowly.

**HARRY: **Yes…God's gift to women if I must say so. And look at that butt. Not bad for an eleven year old. I can't wait until I'm older!

**JAMES: **Hello, Harry.

**HARRY: **But then once I'm older I'll have acne…

**JAMES: **Son?

**HARRY: **Oh well. That's why _Benzagel _was invented wasn't it?

**LILY: **Harry, dear –

**HARRY: **I wonder if a metamorphmagus could get acne. If it did, it would probably just change its face or something.

**LILY: **Harry!

**HARRY: **Man it would be sweet to be a matmorphmagus! I could turn into a girl and sneak into the girl's locker room and –

**JAMES: **LOOK INTO THE MIRROR, BOY!

**HARRY: **I am.

**JAMES: **Oh…Well...then LOOK AT US!

**HARRY: **OHMYGOSH!!

- James and Lily wave at their son.

**HARRY: **I can't believe it. My parents are alive! Gosh this must be the most happiest moment of my life! I am so happy I just can't help and it's so amazing and - …Why are you two just standing there?

**LILY: **Pardon?

**HARRY: **We haven't seen each other for ten years and you are just standing there. Aren't you supposed to hug me or something?

**LILY: **Well uh…you see there's a catch to that.

**HARRY: **Catch? What catch? Aren't you guys alive? Or are you going to tell me you're just some image that only I can see so you don't actually exist?

**LILY: **Well, actually…

**HARRY: **Nevermind that. I gotta get Ron!

- Runs away.

**LILY: **…

**JAMES: **…Who the hell is _Ron_?

**LILY: **I have no idea. Do you think he's a friend of Harry's?

**JAMES: **Well if he's a friend, then why don't we know about him already?

**LILY: **I just hope he's a nice boy.

**JAMES: **Or maybe he's Harry's "life partner". Lily, our son is gay!

**LILY: **JAMES!

_**BOY'S DORMS…**_

**HARRY: **Ron, wake up!

- Ron pops out of bed

**RON: **Wh-wha? What!

**HARRY: **Wake up! I found my parents! They're in this room and they can't hug me but I don't care and…why is your bed broken?

**RON: **What?

**HARRY: **Your bed. It's split in half including the mattress.

**RON: **Umm…

_**TEN MINUTES AGO…**_

- Ron is jumping on the bed.

**RON: **Weeeeee!!

**NEVILLE: **You'll break your bed if you keep doing that.

**RON: **No I won't.

**NEVILLE: **Yes you will.

**RON: **No I won't!

**NEVILLE: **Yes you will!

**RON: **NO I won't!

**NEVILLE: **YES you wil-

- A tiny tornado comes in and goes through Ron's bed breaking it in half.

**RON: **…I told you so.

_**PRESENT TIME**_

**RON: **Well…I was having wild passionate sex at the time –

**HARRY: **What!?

**RON: **Forget about it. Why are you here anyway?

**HARRY: **My parents are alive!

**RON: **YOUR PARENTS ARE ALIVE!?

**HARRY: **…Yeah.

**RON: **WELL THAN WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?? LET'S GO!

- They run out of the dormitories and back to the mirror.

**LILY: **Honestly, James. What would make you think that Harry's friend was gay –

**JAMES: **He's a boy for starters.

**LILY: **You're a boy!

**JAMES: **No I'm not! I'm a MAN!

**LILY: **Man, shman. Ron is not gay.

**JAMES: **You don't know that.

**LILY: **I'll prove it once they –

**HARRY: **We're here!

**LILY AND JAMES: **Harry!

**JAMES: **And this must be Ron.

- Ron waves at the mirror.

**HARRY: **See Ron? Do you see them?

**RON: **Yes! Yes I do!

**HARRY: **I told you! And I look just like them.

**RON: **Uh…sure.

**HARRY: **I have her eyes and his hair. Man I am one good looking kid thanks to them!

**RON: **Her eyes and his…Harry I don't think we're seeing the same thing.

**HARRY: **What are you talking about? We're looking at my parents.

- James gives the peace sign to Harry and Ron.

**RON: **Well I'm seeing House and Cuddy.

**HARRY: **…What?

**RON: **House and Cuddy! From the show, _House_. They're like…the longest waiting couple to happen _ever_!

**HARRY: **And…?

**RON: **AND I'm seeing a reel of episode six season five and they're…they're…

- Sobs with joy

**RON: **..._Kissing! _EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

**SNAPE: **WHAT!?

- Looks into mirror.

**SNAPE: **…Wow look at 'em go!

**HARRY: **……

**SNAPE: **Uh…hehe…err.

- Runs away

**RON: **I can't – a teh – aheh – but I –…I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM!

**JAMES:** Well?

**LILY: **Alright, alright he's gay.

- Hands James five sickles.

**HARRY: **Are you sure you're not seeing my parents making out?

**RON: **Why are they making out?

**JAMES AND LILY: **We're not making out!

**HARRY: **Ron I think you're on crack.

**RON: **Catnip, Harry. Catnip.

**HARRY: **Whatever.

**RON: **I can't wait for the next episode!

**SNAPE: **I know, it's like, so _exciting!_

**RON AND HARRY: **……

**SNAPE: **...Uh, right.

- Runs away again.

**HARRY: **So you don't see my parents.

**RON: **No, all I see is House and –

**ALL THE POTTERS: **WE GET IT!

**RON: **You know I would ask if this mirror shows the future…but I don't think that would make sense.

**HARRY: **No it would not.

**RON: **So I guess this leaves things kind of pointless, huh?

**HARRY: **Yeah I guess.

……

**RON: **Wanna make out?

**HARRY: **What?

**RON: **You be House and I'll be Cuddy.

**HARRY: **WHAT?

**JAMES: **HE'S GAY!

**LILY: **ENOUGH JAMES!

**AN: **_House: _A show starring an obnoxious doctor that is always right in every situation he's in. AND OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE THE ENDING OF THE LAST EPISODE!! ...(Ahem) I mean...yes, I'm quite happy for them, indeed.

...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!

plz.


	18. Blame the Drugs

**AN: **Excuse me while I drop an anvil on my head. MAJOR internet grogginess. I got out of school early today and did nothing but finish this chapter and watch youtube. Okay, and the occasional game of Typer Shark. At least I got the chapter up, right?

**Blame the Drugs**

**DUMBLEDORE: **Back again Harry?

**HARRY: **Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go. And that pumpkin juice just goes straight through me!

**DUMBLEDORE: **I see. Carry on then.

- Dumbledore leaves Harry in the bathroom.

_**LATER…**_

**DUMBLEDORE: **Back again Harry?

**HARRY: **I took a laxative this morning, okay?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Very well.

**HARRY: **…Do you have to go as well?

**DUMBLEDORE: **No, I'm just here to watch.

**HARRY: **I'm leaving.

_**MUCH LATER…**_

**DUMBLEDORE: **Back _again_ Harry?

**HARRY: **Bloody hell Albus! I'm not even in the John this time!

**DUMBLEDORE: **So?

**HARRY: **You…are a dirty old man.

**DUMBLEDORE: **I know. So what are you doing here anyway?

**HARRY: **I'm uh…checking myself out in the mirror.

- Poses in front of the mirror.

**HARRY: **Every boy does it now and then.

**JAMES: **He's right you know,

**LILY: **I know.

**DUMBLEDORE: **I'm not an idiot, boy. You see your parents in there do you.

**HARRY: **Yes (Gasp) DO YOU SEE THEM TOO???

**DUMBLEDORE: **Uh, no. That would just be creepy.

**HARRY: **…

**DUMBLEDORE: **This mirror shows you what your butt desires the most.

**HARRY: **…My _butt_?

**DUMBLEDORE: **That's right.

**HARRY: **Are you sure you don't mean my heart?

**DUMBLEDORE: **No your butt. The only way to understand a person is through their butt, Harry. Good Lord! What did they teach you in those muggle schools?

**HARRY: **…

- Dumbledore scratches his butt.

**HARRY: **So…the thing I miss the most is my parents?

**DUMBLEDORE: **CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET AN A+!

**HARRY: **OMG I'M SO HAPPY!!

**DUMBLEDORE: **Uh…I was being sarcastic.

**HARRY: **Oh.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Yeah.

**HARRY: **So what do you see in the mirror, Dumbley-dorey?

**DUMBLEDORE: **What do I see? Well let's see…

- Looks into the mirror and sees Jack Sparrow's –

**JACK: **_Captain _Jack Sparrow.

- compass.

**DUMBLEDORE: **……

- The compass points to jar full of horse radish.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Huh?

- Robert Pattinson picks up the jar of horse radish and rubs it over his bare chest.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Yes…

**HARRY: **Pardon?

**DUMBLEDORE: **I mean...socks! I see socks!

**HARRY: **Socks.

**DUMBLEDORE: **Socks smothered in horse radish…

**HARRY: **What!?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Err, never mind! It's time you went to bed, and don't come back here. Ever.

**HARRY: **Why?

**DUMBLEDORE: **Do not question my authority, boy!

- Shoves Harry out the door.

**DUMBLEDORE: **…And leave Mr. Robert and me alone. Hehehe…

**JAMES: **…Why are we still here?

**LILY: **I don't know.

- ……

**HERMIONE: **Harry!

**HARRY: **Hermione!

- Sobs quietly.

**HARRY: **I'm so sorry…I tried. I tried my hardest!

**HERMIONE: **What?

**HARRY: **I couldn't I just couldn't find any…I couldn't…

- Sobs.

**HERMIONE: **You couldn't…"get some"?

**HARRY: **No I couldn't find any information about leg waxing for you. I'm so sorry I let you down!!

**HERMIONE: **It's okay.

**HARRY: **I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm…what?

**HERMIONE: **I've decided to go all natural.

**HARRY: **After all the work I went through??

**HERMIONE: **Well it wasn't like I was doing anything with my legs in the first place! Look –

- Lifts up one very hairy leg.

**HARRY: **D:

**RON: **Sexy.

**HARRY: **DX

**HERMIONE: **Oh and I also got some information on Nicholas Flamel.

**HARRY: **D8

**HERMIONE: **Did I not tell you?

**HARRY: **NO YOU DID NOT TELL ME!! AND I SUPPOSE THAT YOU HAVE ALL THESE IMPORTANT SECRETS TO KEEP AWAY FROM ME AS WELL! MEANWHILE I AM STARING AT MIRRORS FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME WHILE RON WATCHES HOUSE, M.D. VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL ALL HE CAN DO IS SING "HEY JULIET" ALL DAY LONG AND…Who's Nicholas Flamel again?

**HERMIONE: **Sigh…The guy that created the Philosopher's Stone.

**HARRY: **You mean _Sorcerer's_ Stone?

**HERMIONE: **Whatever.

**RON: **Who's stoned?

**HERMIONE: **Nobody's stoned!

**HARRY: **I beg to differ.

**HERMIONE: **Merlin's boxers, Harry. Not again!

**HARRY: **I didn't say it was me.

- Points to McGonagall who is…well…stoned.

**HERMIONE: **…

**HARRY: **So who's this Nick Flamers guy?

**HERMIONE: **Nicholas Flamel. He created the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone, which can make you immortal –

**RON: **_Immortal_?

**HERMIONE: **It means you can't die.

**RON: **I know what it means!

**HERMIONE: **…Really?

**RON: **No.

**HERMIONE: **Anyway, I believe that is what Fluffy is guarding!

**HARRY: **So?

**HERMIONE: **So…That's why Snape tried to get past Fluffy on Halloween.

**HARRY: **He tried to get past some fluffy dog to find a stoned Philosopher?

**HERMIONE:** …

**HARRY: **Dude!

**HERMIONE: **I think we should go see Hagrid.

_**AND SO THEY DO**_

- They knock on the door of Hagrid's hut.

**HAGRID: **Go away!

**HARRY: **Hagrid, we need to talk.

**HAGRID: **I'm busy!

**HERMIONE: **please?

**HAGRID: **I said I'm busy! Wait…are yeh the pizza delivery guy?

**HARRY: **If we said yes, would you let us in?

**HAGRID: **Yeah.

**HARRY: **Okay.

- The door opens. Harry, Ron and Hermione run in.

**HAGRID: **Yeh said you were teh pizza delivery guy.

**HARRY: **We lied. Get over it.

**HERMIONE:** In the mean time, we have news!

**HAGRID: **Now's really not the time –

**RON: **We know about the Philosopher's –

**MALFOY: **What are all of you doing here??

**RON: **Eep!

**HERMIONE: **Malfoy!

**MALFOY: **Err…

**HARRY: **What are you doing here?

**MALFOY: **Nothing…

**HAGRID: **Y'all over stayed her visit. Time to go now!

- Tries to shove them through the door.

**HARRY: **Wait, Hagrid why are you wearing a pink robe?

**HAGRID: **Em…Teh match my umbrella of course!

**HARRY: **…

- Looks around to find candles lit, flower pedals on the bed and an art easel set up with paints and brushes.

**HARRY: **What's going on?

**HAGRID: **Nothing!

**HARRY: **Nothing my foot. Look at this crap! It's all girly and sensual and…is that music playing?

**MALFOY: **I was trying to set a mood, Potter.

**HERMIONE: **Isn't it obvious what's going on here?

**HARRY: **…

**RON: **Do I smell lilacs?

**HARRY: **Are they doing homework?

**HERMIONE: **Uh, no.

**HARRY: **Chess?

**HERMIONE: **No.

**HARRY: **Quidditch.

**HERMIONE: **No.

**HARRY: **Weed?

**HERMIONE: **No –

**HAGRID: **Sorta.

- Coughs.

**HERMIONE: **…

**HARRY: **Are they…

**HERMIONE: **Oh for the love of – THEY'RE "GETTIN' IT ON" YOU IDIOT!!

**MALFOY: **WERE NOT!

**HERMIONE: **Then explain all the erotica!

**MALFOY: **I was doing a nude portrait of Hagrid!

**HERMIONE: **EWWWW!!

**HAGRID: **It's for me girlfriend.

**HARRY: **You have a girlfriend? Ha! Imagine: Hagrid having a girlfriend!

**EVERYONE: **……

**MALFOY: **What's wrong with that?

**HARRY: **It's _Hagrid_. He's a seven foot giant with hairy palms!

**MALFOY: **But that doesn't mean he can't have a girlfriend. Everyone has one. I know I do.

**HARRY: **LOL good one, Draco!

**MALFOY: **Seriously.

**RON: **I have a girlfriend too.

**HARRY: **What!?

**HERMIONE: **I have a boyfriend.

**HARRY: **But…you can't…you said you would bare my children!

**MALFOY: **So it's settled. Harry is the only single loner in Hogwarts.

**HARRY: **No!

**MALFOY: **Shut up, loner.

**HARRY: **Why do these jokes have to be so long??

**RON: **……Jokes?

**HERMIONE: **Does anyone know what he's talking about?

**HAGRID: **I dunno.

**MALFOY: **Maybe it's because he's a loner.

**HARRY: **GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! HAGRID, WE KNOW ABOUT THE PHILOSOPHER'S/SORCERER'S/SEDUCER'S STONE!!!

**HAGRID: **Well F#%.

**HERMIONE: **Oh yeah! Snape's trying to steal it isn't he?

**HARRY: **YES!

**RON: **We should tell Dumbledore.

**HARRY: **THAT'S RIGHT!

**HAGRID: **Why are yeh shouting still?

**HARRY: **IT'S HARD TO STOP!

**HAGRID: **Riiight…Well you can't tell Dumbledore.

**HARRY: **ABOUT MY SHOUTING?

**HAGRID: **No about Snape. He's one of the people trying to protect the stone!

**RON: **Which gives him the opportunity to steal it while he's guarding it!

**HERMIONE: **That actually makes sense. Sort of.

**HARRY: **GOOD WORK RON!

**HAGRID: **What? No way. Don't you three ever listen to me –

**HERMIONE: **Cookies!

**HAGRID: **…Right. Hey, were did Draco go?

- Everyone looks around. Harry looks out the window and sees Malfoy running back to the castle.

**HARRY: **He's going to tell McGonagall!

**HERMIONE AND RON: **Fuck.

**HAGRID: **That bastard took my painting!

- Hagrid rips off his pink robe and starts to turn green.

**HAGRID: **Me…ANGRY!!! RAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!

**HARRY HERMIONE AND RON: **……Bye, Hagrid.

- Run

**HAGRID: **RAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!......COOKIES!!!

**RON: **You think Malfoy is going to tell on us?

**HARRY: **Not with that picture of Hagrid with him, that's for sure.

**MCGONAGALL: **What picture?

**HARRY: **AUGH!!!

**MALFOY: **Don't listen to him, Minerva. He's insane.

**HARRY: **TRAITOR!!

**HERMIONE: **You're shouting again.

**HARRY: **SCREW YOU!

**MCGONAGALL: **You're grounded. And I'm taking your gumdrops.

**RON: **This is _so_ unfair.

- Hands over gumdrops.

**MCGONAGALL: **The red ones as well.

**RON: **But they're my favourite –

**MCGONAGALL: **They're still gumdrops!

- Ron hands over his red gumdrops.

**HERMIONE: **So what's our punishment exactly?

**MCGONAGALL: **You shall go back to Hagrid and he shall take you into the dark forests where you shall meet your doom.

**HERMIONE: **But aren't you punishing us for visiting Hagrid in the first –

**MCGONAGALL: **Don't question my order!

**MALFOY: **Buuuuurn!

**MCGONAGALL: **You're going with them.

**MALFOY: **……F#%!!

- They all start to make their way back to Hagrid's hut.

**HARRY: **So what did you do with that portrait of Hagrid?

**MALFOY: **I'd rather not say.

_**A FEW MOMENTS EARLIER…**_

_**MALFOY: **__Here you go, Mr. Ransom. May I ask why you want a nude portrait of Hagrid again?_

_**SPUNK RANSOM: **__Let's just say Dumbledore won't know what hit him. _

_**MALFOY: **__…Right. Well ta-ta! I'm going to go ruin someone else's day - _

_**SPUNK RANSOM: **__Night. It's eleven at night. _

_**MALFOY: **__Whatever. _

_**PRESENT TIME**_

**HARRY: **Please tell me?

**MALFOY: **No.

- A high pitched screech that sounds remarkably like Dumbledore's voice rings throughout the castle.

**DUMBLEDORE: **HOLY MOTHER F#%ING HELL IN A HAND BASKET!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I DESIRE!!!

**MIRROR: **I never lie.

**DUMBLEDORE: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

**SPUNK RANSOM: **That's for imagining me rubbing horse radish on myself you _sicko_!!

**AN: **Been a while since Spunky visited. It was nice. Perverted and disgusting but nice. - Thuds head against keyboard -

Again, Internet grogginess kills. I need a bubble bath...and reviews...and another game of Typer Shark.


	19. Dusting off the ol' keyboard

"**ONCE** upon the time there was a young, extremely talented, soft spoken, extraordinarily attractive writer that went by the name of Grimly Dandy. Grimly posted her stories online whenever she could and was very loyal to her equally talented and attractive fans. Then one day, Grimly suddenly stopped posting her stories online and never replied to her fans' emails. It was as if she fell off the face of the earth, never to be heard of again..."

- Frantic footsteps are heard in the hallway. They increase in volume until the door bursts open and **GRIMLY DANDY** enters the room -

**GRIMLY DANDY:** (pant, pant) I'M BACK! (pant, pant) Now let's get down to business. Just let me (pant) ...catch my breath

- Collapses onto the floor -

**GREETINGS FELLOW WRITERS, READERS, AND FANFICTION ADORERS**

As you may have noticed, I haven't been on for quite a while. One and a half years in fact.

If you haven't noticed this, then like me, you also fell off the face of the earth and only now checking whats new in the internet world.

...

Well, to tell you the truth I didn't _literally_ fall off the face of the earth. I'll give you a short summary of what happened while I was absent:

- Computer crashes -

**GRIMLY DANDY: **FUUUUUU-

- While the computer is getting fixed, Grimly finds some now hobbies to help cope, including extra school work, writing original stories instead of fanfiction, planning for post secondary education, having emotional breakdowns, reconnecting with old friends, having mental breakdowns, being forced to get a driver's lisence, more breakdowns, etc.

Some of you are probably expecting a more realistic/detailed/serious explanation for my severe procrastination but this story is in the humor/parody section so it would be a slap in HARREH POTTAH's face if I were to suddenly give a serious explanation that included detailed stories of mental breakdowns and family emergencies in an unfunny light.

WITH THAT BEING SAID, I apologize a gazillion to all of you and not replying to any of the reviews or emails that I have recieved, I hope you understand. Furthermore, I am trying to get back into the fanfiction business, I'M NOT MAKING ANY PROMISES, but believe when I say I'm trying. Some of my stories might be long, others might just be oneshots, some will be serious, and others will be effing hilarious...

And before you all ask if I am going to continue writing HARREH POTTAH, it pains me to tell that no, I won't. I've simply run out of ideas on how to continue this story. My apologies if this has inconvenienced you in any way.

And on that happy note, I bid you all adue, and hope to hear from you all soon.

Zay gezunt!


End file.
